


This Life is Overwhelming and I'm Ready for the Next One

by fromxthexashes



Series: From The Ashes [1]
Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men (Original Timeline Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, F/M, Kitty and Bobby are a background couple, Most of this is Jean dealing with her past, Past Relationship(s), Past Scott Summers/Jean Grey, Resurrection, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-08-02 04:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16298315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromxthexashes/pseuds/fromxthexashes
Summary: The words were broken pieces, fragments of images rushing before her eyes. She only knew vague flashes of past events, words that she said? Were they unresolved? It burned deep in her mind trying to fish for any semblance of information she could get. All she could remember without pain was a large bird of fire, and the name for such a creature: Phoenix.Twelve years after Jean's death on Alcatraz, she is reborn. Her body is younger now, and she has no recollection of her past. What she knows of her past self is from other's memories and she would rather die than become a monster again. Being a shadow of the past, and the expectations that come with it, are harder than it seems. Will Jean be able to handle it? Will she become the Dark Phoenix again?Please note that I have made another "work" entitled Prompts for which you can leave your requests for this universe in. I do look at and respond to nearly all my comments on all my works. Please feel free to leave a prompt there!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the terrible summary, but I do have a lot of this already written so I'll be posting it all at once. I'm not sure if this will get completed, as I've written parts of it over the last few years, but it is a work I continuously come back to.

The words were broken pieces, fragments of images rushing before her eyes. She only knew vague flashes of past events, words that she said? Were they unresolved? It burned deep in her mind trying to fish for any semblance of information she could get. All she could remember without pain was a large bird of fire, and the name for such a creature.

 

“Phoenix…” the word fell from her lips as she was finally conscious of the fact she was rising from the ground, out of the cage she had been unconscious in for a few days. She glanced at the headstone behind her.  _ Jean Grey, _ that must have been her name. It felt familiar...like home. Was she home? She couldn’t remember, it burned again, and she hissed in pain, letting out a psychic shriek, louder than any before, passing out from the pain.

 

She woke up in someone’s arm, the bounce of them walking while carrying her waking her from her slumber. She felt another presence nearby, whispering. Her consciousness was still questionable and she could only catch a part of their speech. “But I killed her, Storm, with my own hands.”

 

“I know, but this is exactly how she looked when she was 18. I have the pictures to prove it, Logan. It’s her.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this first chapter is so short, but I felt the need to publish as its own chapter since this was the very first part of the story. I originally wrote it as just a drabble of sorts, but it’s slowly morphed into this multiple chapter fiction. I even came up with an outline and overall story arc that I wish to fulfill. However, I do usually tend to give up halfway through for something of this length. Hopefully, I publish this after I finish the entire work and not beforehand (which I haven't completed as of this posting). Either way, the rest of the chapters will be longer and any feedback is appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Her head killed, like nothing she had ever experienced before...or had she? Every memory was still so foggy, so out of reach. The bed she was in, it felt so familiar, like it was hers. She winced as another pang of pain hit her. She needed to stop trying to access her own memories, it just burned. Instead of trying to remember, she decided to just look around and analyze, maybe that would help.

 

She sat up and started with her own body, glancing down under the sheets. She wasn’t naked, but she was in a grey sweatsuit. Was it hers? Another pang and she tried to forget she even asked the question. Just looking around, she saw no one in the room besides her, maybe someone else would have the answers she was looking for. Obviously she was in someone’s house, though she didn’t know whose it was. She swung her legs to the side of the bed before attempting to stand up.

 

The floor was cold against her bare feet, she was quite inept at walking normally, and one of her hands had to clutch her head before it split apart of its own will. There was only one wooden door in the bedroom, a vanity, a nightstand, a closet, and a couple of windows with a view of a garden. The room was devoid of personal objects though, so she surmised it was a guest room as her free hand reached for the door. Her emerald eyes were taking one more scan of the place as she bumped into someone else’s chest, falling to the ground due to her inability to balance well.

 

The owner of the chest she ran into grabbed her arm with a sure and strong grip to set her upright. Her hand immediately clasped to their wrist as she tried to maintain her balance. A old, bald man in a wheelchair behind the one who had righted her spoke first, “She needs to lay down. Her muscles could possibly have atrophied.”

 

Atrophied. She knew that word. She knew what it meant. But how could her legs have weakened considerably unless she hadn’t been using them? Another wave of pain to punish her for asking a normal question, and another fall as she lost her balance through the pain. The man she had ran into, the one who had righted her and was right next to her, caught her. He easily swept her up into his arms to lay her back on the bed.

 

The one in the wheelchair moved to the side of her bed, resting his hand on hers. She could hear his voice in her head, but his lips didn’t seem to move as he spoke.  _ “You’re going to be okay. You need your rest before you can get answers. Sleep, and then we’ll talk some more.” _

 

Her vision was searching as she glanced around her, her breath suddenly growing out of control and quick paced. A wave of calm and sudden exhaustion washed over her, and her gaze bore into the brown orbs of the man who had righted her, and she could recall that he had carried her in. She knew her eyes were full of fear as her eyelids fluttered closed, yet somehow the eyes of the man began to make her relax, as she could see how much care was in them.

 

* * *

 

She startled awake, laboring to get enough oxygen into her lungs to live. She had a nightmare, but her memory of its events were fleeting by the second. She could have sworn she had lived an entire lifetime in that dream, only to end up awake in this impersonal room. As her sight adjusted to the dark, signaling to herself that she had been asleep for quite some time, she took stock of the fact that the plain decorations that had adorned the room were now unceremoniously on the ground. Empty pictures frames had their glass splattered across the hardwood, lace doilies lay defeated, clothes that were likely intended for her when she awoke were now scattered about as if someone had ransacked the room. She wasn’t sure what had caused it, just as she wasn’t sure about much of anything.

 

The footsteps approaching her room did alert her to someone’s incoming presence, and out of reflex, she felt herself reach out with her feelings in an attempt to learn of their identity. The name Logan entered her mind, though she did not have an appearance to link the name to just yet. Was that normal for anyone to reach out like that, to know who is approaching without voicing such a desire? Yet another lash of fiery pain spread across her, as if there was some holder of a whip punishing her for daring to question it. 

 

She let out a small hiss from the mental pain as her wooden door opened to reveal the person she had saw last before these nightmares. She considered herself grateful to finally know his name as she heard the glass crunch beneath his feet. He didn’t even seem to care about where he stepped, even with all the mess. Waves of concern from him washed over her before he even reached out to touch her shoulder. She hadn’t even noticed the ringing in her ears until she saw his mouth move, his words slowly coming into focus.

 

“---okay? Jeannie, are you okay? Just breathe with me. In and out, slowly. Breathe.”

 

The warmth of his hand finally seeped through her, effectively calming her once more as she listened to his instructions. There was nothing in the world beside the sight of him, worrying over her, and the sound of his voice, until her eyes caused a protest as they adjusted to someone turning the lights on in the room.

 

The older gentleman, bound to a wheelchair, from before was slowly making his way to her. She could feel all sorts of probing into her mind that she had not received from Logan. Suddenly afraid and feeling vulnerable, she withdrew her mind deep within herself. A small pang of hurt emanated from him, but the probing did withdraw as he actually spoke aloud to her this time.

 

“Did you have a nightmare, Jean? You haven’t acted out quite like this since I was much younger.”

 

“I… I don’t mean to be rude, but do I know you? I have the feeling you all know me, but I don’t know any of you, or where I am at, to be honest.” It had taken her a few awkward seconds to properly attempt to speak, at first making a couple of guttural noises. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she wondered how long it had been since she had last spoken. With her confession, she took the chance to withdraw from Logan’s hand as well, fearing she would disappoint him with her lack of memories.

 

There was a glance exchanged between the two men before the older looked out into the hallway. Her gaze was drawn as well, seeing a mixture of adolescents peering into the room. Already feeling like she had enough attention as it was, she willed the door to close. She wasn’t sure if it was the sound, or something else entirely, but the men looked taken aback by the door shutting. She was beginning to feel like reaching out as she was, was far from normal. She still had no answers, and she was growing frustrated and impatient with her own mind refusing to give her any information.

 

“Logan, I think you ought to leave. It seems Jean and I have a lot to discuss.”

 

The fear that she had felt during her nightmares came crawling back up her spine, and with no idea of what else could calm her, her hand quickly snatched Logan’s wrist. She did not want to be left alone with the other man, something within her screamed to be as far away from him as possible. She did want answers, but not at the cost of this anxiety taking over. The conflict within brought back the panting from earlier, her lungs crying out for more air but her throat swelling to deny them. Panicked eyes moved to seek Logan’s out, trying to convey her need for his comfort without speaking a word.

 

She felt more probing from the other man, which only served as more motivation for Jean to grip Logan’s wrist tighter. His free hand rested on top of hers, her breathing started to even out ever so slowly. His calloused fingers caressed at the smooth skin on the back of her hand, his eyes never leaving hers as he began to exaggerate his breathing. Taking the cue, she began to mimic him, her grip loosening gradually. She still refused to let go, every instinct within her telling her not to let him leave. Her voice was barely a whisper and hardly recognizable to herself, “Don’t leave me.”

 

Her words must of meant something deeper to him, as he immediately sat down on the bed next to her, gently squeezing her hands. “I would never Jeannie, I haven’t left you yet. Professor, maybe we can do this in the morning. I think everyone needs some sleep still, you most of all.”

 

“Perhaps you’re right Logan, but I expect you to sleep in your own bed.” 

 

There was that wave of hurt emanating from him again, much stronger this time. Was her fear, her rejection to be alone with him, hurting his feelings? She must have known him before, must have been close as well for him to feel so upset about her actions now. She watched him carefully as he left her room, looking defeated and sullen as he did. Her attention was brought back to Logan as he slowly withdrew his hand and stood up, beginning to tidy up her room.

 

“That memory loss you’re feeling right now, I’ve been there before. Still there actually. Can’t remember anything about my past, my childhood, nothing. I can’t promise you that you’ll remember it all yourself, but the Professor would be able to fill in those blanks better than anything else around here can.”

 

“I must have known him for quite a while then. Probably was very close to him as well. I can tell he’s upset with my reaction, but everything in me is telling me to stay away from him. Something makes me feel like he’s going to do something bad to me. I could feel him trying to get into my head before I blocked him out. Does he do that to everybody?”

 

“He's harmless Jean, and even if he meant to hurt you, I'd never let it happen. Nothing bad is going to happen to you again, not while I have anything to say about it. It’s just that none of us are sure how bad your memory loss is, and we won't be able to if you don't let us. Do you know what a mutant is? ”

 

His words caused a small amount of warmth to emanate from her chest, slowly moving to her limbs to bring new energy into them. She was glad to be correct about the comfort he brought to her when so many things were brought into question. The word  _ mutant  _ rattled through her brain as she tried to uncover the fog within her own mind. Part of her wondered if the fog was something there to protect her from a truth she didn't want to uncover, of something she was trying to repress so she would not have to deal with its consequences. As her head moved side to side, the word bringing nothing to mind, she heard him sigh. There must be so much she was supposed to remember but couldn't.

 

“Mutants are people born with special gifts. Everyone here is one. The Professor owns this place, and has made it into a safe haven for us. Not everyone likes us. His gift is telepathy, it means he can read your mind. You have it too, and you can move things with your mind too.”

 

“So when I wanted the door to close and I reached out with my feelings, that was me closing it with my mind?” 

 

“Yup. Have you tried doing anything else like that yet?”

 

“When you were coming here, I heard someone so I reached out to find out their name. That's how I know you're Logan.”

 

“That would be the telepathy, but you have to be very careful with that. No one likes feeling like their privacy is being invaded. You used to make sure you always had permission.”

 

“He didn't ask my permission to be in my head. Either way, I  _ did  _ live here, and I am supposed to know you. Is that why he was sad, this Professor?”

 

“I'm sure it is, and I couldn't tell you about the permission thing. I'm not sure how he goes about it, but I know  _ you  _ never did unless you had it.”

 

“How well did you know me? How well did I know everyone here? They all seem quite curious about me, and you seem very worried. Did something bad happen to me? Every time I try to remember something, it hurts, practically burns. What's wrong with me?”

 

“Nothing is wrong with you,” his quick snap nearly scared her, “You are so perfect Jeannie. ...I'm just not sure how much I should tell you. I guess I'll go in order. We knew each other pretty well, we were good friends and I… I loved you, still love you, and I'll always love you. I made you that promise, I didn't say it out loud, but I know you heard me. You used to live and work her as a teacher and a doctor too. All the adults were your friends, you grew up with them. Scott, he -- Scott was your fiance, but…”

 

He was struggling with his words, and she was struggling to just digest them. It was a lot of information, and even though she didn't have any details, she was overwhelmed. She wasn't trying to gloss over his declaration of his love either, but the searing pain was starting to seep back in. She had to know what had happened though, what happened to her to cause this.

 

“If I can read thoughts, maybe it's better than you saying all this…”

 

It was a suggestion, and a hopeful solution. He was hesitant, shifting his weight as he thought about it. Maybe it was the prospect of her being in his head, maybe it was because he wasn't sure how much to show her, she couldn't be too sure. He must have accepted because he knelt before her, guiding her hands to rest on either side of his head.

 

“If that's what you want, I'll never deny you. Just don't say I didn't warn you. You might not like what you see, and I can only show you what I know from when we met.”

 

It was strange to be so close to him. Her hands weren't touching his skin but she could feel his heat. She could see small wrinkles along his forehead showing her signs of his aging. She didn't know how old she was, didn't know what her face looked like, and only assumed her name was Jean with how often he had said it. She had no real confidence in any answers yet and was running off of pure instinct and potentially latent memories.

 

Somehow, connecting to his mind was simple. Perhaps it was because he was willing and prepared, perhaps it was because she had been in here before. She knew she had, because she was seeing herself read his mind briefly the first day they had met. It melded into another time where she had shorter hair, in front of both a campfire and an audience. He must have been remembering what her mental presence felt like. He seemed pliable, malleable, willing to melt and bend to her will.

 

She had no idea where to begin, so he showed her when they first met again. She was working on him, ensuring he was okay and working out the mystery of who he was. She was promptly met with a chokehold upon him waking up. Soon, they were back to when she first tried to read his mind. She was showing him his room, one not unlike the one she was in now. She mentioned Scott, and soon he appeared, his eyes hidden behind red sunglasses.

 

Logan had wanted her from the day they met, but she had been with Scott for some time apparently. Soon enough, they were off to rescue a student, Rogue, and were successful in stopping the perpetrator, Magneto. Something had happened to Jean from this though, her powers were starting to act out from what he learned later. She was gone at the time, but the school had been attacked by some organization that had known Logan, created what he was now.

 

He managed to make it out, and meet up with her and another one of the X-Men, that's what they called themselves. Her name was Ororo Munroe, but she called herself Storm. She has apparently been Jean's best friend for a long time as well. They were in a jet that the school owned, but missiles were fired and Jean could only stop one. They were saved by Magneto, and they reluctantly joined forces to save those who had been kidnapped.

 

Jean descended the ramp of the jet, and while talking, Logan kissed her. They shared a kiss they never should have and she walked away. They eventually found and rescued everyone, but the dam they were held at was going to blow. Jean had been hurt and was limping. The jet was still too damaged to get off the ground. They were all going to die.

 

Then Jean left the jet, and through the Professor, she said her goodbyes as she used her powers to get them to safety. The dam crumbled and the water swallowed her whole. They were all devastated, none more than Scott, though Logan felt like he could rival the pain felt. They thought she was dead, but somewhere down the line, she came back.

 

She didn't come back the same though. Something was wrong with her. The Professor put walls up in her mind because of how powerful she was, and in doing so, she had developed an evil personality, Phoenix. It had killed Scott, and it had killed the Professor too. The only reason he was around now was because he transferred his consciousness into another body, Logan didn't have many details.

 

She was being manipulated by Magneto for his own purposes, and while Logan tried to get her, bring her back, he failed. He next saw her on an island, wreaking havoc and killing dozens with her sheer power. Due to his own healing ability he managed to make it close to her, even though she was trying so hard to kill him. Then there was a glimpse of Jean, the real Jean, pleading for him to save her. He knew what he meant by those words, and said I love you, mentally promising to love her for the rest of his life, before killing her.

 

They buried her in the memorial where they had a headstone for Scott, and the Professor as well until he returned. The memory of Jean, and the heartbreak, had been too great for Logan though. He couldn't bear to stay in a place that reminded him of her presence. He had left, and continued to be haunted by her ghost until faced with mortality again. He found a resolve to continue living, and a reason to come home. Just yesterday the Professor heard her psychic scream and bid him and Storm out to the memorial. There she had lain, naked and unconscious before her tombstone. They knew it was her with a quick check from the Professor. Logan carried her inside as well, after covering her with his shirt. Storm swore to him that she looked just as she had when she was a teen, something he had not witnessed with his own eyes.

 

Jean retreated from his mind with a start. She became aware of the tears freely flowing down her face, and noted his as well. Waves of worry, concern, and pure joy washed over her. He didn't want anything like that to happen to her again, she knew as much now. She also began to understand just how much she meant to him, to everyone she had known. She still couldn't recall any of her memories of these events, which only spurred on more tears.

 

Something traveled up her throat, struggling to wrench free, and a wail bubbled from her mouth. She was freely sobbing, her body wracked from each one. She felt Logan's strong arms encircle her waist, a hand moving to gently press her face into his shoulder. It muffled her cries, but not by much. She had caused so much pain, and had died twice, only to come back. No one knew or understood why, especially not herself.

 

Her hands went to his back, fisting the fabric of his shirt between her fingers as she let it all loose. She was right to think she was repressing something. She was suppressing the monster she had become. How could he love her? She had no ideas of the feelings she held for him before, and certainly not now, but how could someone love a monster like her? His hands moved across her back, up and down, likely trying to calm her as he had been able to before. She was too far gone in the release of her emotions though, she didn't think she could stop if she cared to try.

 

He was murmuring to her, something low and soft in her ear. She couldn't make any words out, but she wasn't even sure if he was actually speaking or simply making noises. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, his arms around her, her face buried in his shoulder and neck as she sobbed. Eventually, she began to calm down, each sob was further apart but they hurt each time. Her body ached, and her mind felt raw. The burning pain had left, for now, but it had become numb. There was too much to process and she didn't know where to begin.

 

Slowly, she lifted her head up, moving to sit upright in the bed once more. His hands slowly drifted down her back as he released her from his grip. A large thumb wiped beneath one eye and the other, before tilting her chin up. His eyes were red, possibly from his own tears, but she was confident she was far worse. “I've got to go to my own room now, and you need to sleep. If you need me, I'm down the hall. Last door on the right. If you can't get out of bed, you have my permission to call for me with your mind. I'll come running, I swear. Just get some rest, please.”

 

She simply nodded as he helped get her beneath the covers. One of his hands ran through her hair at the top of her head before he withdrew entirely from her room. She wasn't sure what the next day would bring for her. Her body, weary and exhausted from her crying, couldn't fight sleep any longer. She found herself thinking about the man she was previously engaged to, Scott, and the simple fact that she had killed him. Where did that leave her heart?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in my last notes, this chapter is much longer than the prologue! I’m not exactly sure how long each chapter itself will be, as I’m trying to divide it up by what makes the most sense in terms of timing and such, so we’ll see! Hopefully you’re enjoying it so far!!! As always, any feedback is appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

When Jean awoke the next day, she had a few thoughts on her mind and a lot of resolve behind the decisions she had made during her slumber and slow awakening. The first of which was her determination to save herself from sharing the fate she had previously. She would not become this Phoenix entity, whether she had to die to spare others the inevitable pain that would come was something she would accept. She had already done it once before, and knew that she at least kept the selflessness to protect those around her with the cost of her life. She just wasn’t sure how much of her previous self she had retained.

 

Secondly, she was  _ never  _ going to allow the Professor to set up walls in her mind again. If she had to leave this supposed sanctuary, she would. Those walls had in part created the monster, and she would avoid any chance of repeating her mistakes. If she had to keep herself in isolation, she would. She would do whatever it took to keep herself in check, which was truthfully the driving force in all of her decisions currently. 

Finally, she would not search out a means to retain her old memories. If they came to her, they came, but she did not want any portion of her old prospective to taint her new decisions. She feared that if she regained those memories, she would simply turn into the woman she had seen in Logan’s mind, the woman who became a beast.

 

She wished she had made a firm decision on Logan, however. His love for her ran deep, and it seemed burned into his very soul like a brand, her brand. She enjoyed the comfort he gave her, the complete understanding, but until she felt like she had true control over her powers, she couldn’t return his feelings. Protecting others from herself came first, and part of her felt guilty for even entertaining the idea of a lover. She had not known Scott in this lifetime, but if her previous self had kept their relationship and never pursued Logan, then she must have loved him deeply. She wanted to respect his memory, to honor the needless death that  _ she  _ had caused.

 

Her stomach growled, and she was brought out of her thoughts as she realized that she had not eaten anything since she emerged from the grave. Her first task for the day was to ready herself for the world she was about to enter, which was difficult to gauge since it was still such a mystery to herself. She would be able to remedy her hunger soon, she just needed to dress.

 

The clothes that were previously moved to the floor from her nightmare last night were moved to the top of the dresser in the room, likely moved there by Logan himself as he had tidied her room during their discussion last night. She slipped into the clothes provided for her. The underwear and sports bra provided were plain white and did its basic job, as did the white shirt she put on. The baggy grey sweatpants she put on had a blue X on her right leg with smaller blue text that read  _ Xavier’s School for the Gifted _ . At least part of her question on where she was could be answered now.

 

Her hand was about to touch the door handle to her room when a knock rapped on the wood. She hadn’t even noticed someone approaching, but she had been lost in her own world until just now. She opened the door to see a woman with bright white hair in front of her. This was Ororo, although her hair was quite different than the image she had seen in Logan’s mind. Her hair was longer, and worn in loose curls. Her makeup was plain, meant to accentuate her flawless skin and full lips which adorned a smile meant for Jean.

 

“I was just about to wake you up, breakfast is ready, and I know you prefer to get to the coffee while it’s warm still.”

 

“Thank you, Ororo. I’m not sure if I still like coffee, but I’m willing to give it a try,” Jean noticed the smile fall slightly, “I’m not sure if you have spoken to the Professor or Logan yet, but I don’t have any of my memories, so I’m not sure what I like anymore. I don’t remember you either, sadly, I just know your name because of Logan. I… I know what I’ve done though, and I’m sorry that I’ve put you through that loss, I truly am.”

 

“You wouldn’t be the Jean I know if you weren’t. I won’t hold you to what I knew about you before, at least I won’t try to, but what you’ve said is reminiscent of the Jean I grew up with.”

 

It was Jean’s turn to smile, which felt oddly comfortable on her face. She was glad that Ororo said she wouldn’t expect Jean to be just as she was. She hadn’t quite voiced that it was her own wish yet, but if this woman had known her as she claimed, she wouldn’t be surprised if she could read Jean that well.

 

“I would like that. Everything is quite new to me still, and I don’t want people thinking that I’m the same woman. I especially don’t want people to think I’ll become that… I’m not a monster.”

 

Her sentence had trailed off before Jean had murmured her affirmation to herself. She was not a monster. She would never become a monster if she could help it. She didn’t realize she was crying until she sobbed, causing her to turn her back to Ororo. She needed to get a hold of herself. She couldn’t be a big ball of emotions walking these grounds. Her emotions were part of controlling her powers, that she was sure of, and she couldn’t risk breaking down like this constantly. 

 

Ororo’s delicate hand rested on the center of Jean’s back, obviously worried about her old friend, but understanding of her current state of emotions. Jean needed to rein herself in on reading other’s surface thoughts, but they were so loud when the owner was in close proximity like this. She took a deep breath, calming herself down, steeling herself to be acceptable to appear at breakfast, and reminding herself that she couldn’t change everything immediately. She was going to have to work for this and she had a lot of challenges ahead of her.

 

With a new sense of poise and determination, Ororo led Jean downstairs to the kitchen, motioning towards the coffee that had been brewed. From what she remembered about coffee, she had the feeling there was always a pot made for this place. Ororo handed her a plain mug and poured the black liquid into it for her, the smell wafting up to her nose and creating a new smile on her face. As she sniffed, she remembered that this was one of her favorite roasts. The memory itself was vague, simply her enjoying a specially brewed pot that she made during the wee hours of the morning, but the pain it left in her mind gave her reason to bury said memory further down into her mind.

 

She took a sip of the coffee and nearly coughed it out. It had smelled so delicious, but tasted so bitter. The other woman was giggling as she added creamer and sugar into her own cup of coffee, explaining that most people preferred to flavor their coffee. Jean returned the chuckle, understanding the humor found in her blissful ignorance of what simply was. She glanced at the various creamers offered, even took a sniff of those that were opened before settling on hazelnut. She poured enough to cause a small explosion of color within her cup before stirring it. She tasted the spoon she had used, and noting how bitter it still was, she added two packets of sugar before stirring again. She was satisfied with the taste and moved to catch up to Ororo, who was explaining how meals typically worked.

 

“There is a cafeteria nearby that offers already cooked food, and while it’s not bad, sometimes people just want to have their own food. If you want, you are allowed to have a mini fridge in your room. You can also store food, but it needs to be put up off of the floor. Some of our less clean students have attracted rodents with the amount of trash they had on their floor. That’s also why we inspect rooms every week. Each floor has a group of teachers that take turns doing the inspections. The friendlier ones offer to help clean, but you aren’t required to, and if we feel you’re taking advantage of it, we start inspecting that room daily and bar the student from extracurriculars until it’s clean. We aren’t your parents, but a clean room is more productive for all. We’ve only had to do that a couple times, but you’ll soon pick up on who the repeat offenders are.

 

If you don’t want to share your food, you need to label it with your name. You can store it down here in the cupboards or fridge, but sometimes room can be scarce, which is why we allow it in the rooms now. If you have special dietary needs, you’ll have to let one of the teachers know so that we can accomodate for it. As far as I know, you don’t have any, and none of the other students are allergic to anything. We do have a few who choose to be vegetarian, one who is vegan, and a couple that are gluten free, but won’t have any reactions if they accidentally ingest it. Any questions so far?”

 

Ororo paused her summary to allow for both questions, and to give herself a chance to drink her coffee as she watched Jean’s expression carefully. Jean was letting it all soak in, trying her best to remember the meaning behind the words that she didn’t quite understand. “So far my only question is what is the difference between vegetarian and vegan?”

 

“Oh, I suppose when you were around, there wasn’t any vegan students. Vegetarians simply don’t eat meat at all. However, vegans, in addition to not eating meat, don’t eat any animal product. They believe that since they can’t get consent from the animal, they shouldn’t eat or drink anything it produces.”

 

Jean simply nodded her head as she moved to sit at the island in the kitchen, the rumble of footsteps upstairs alerting her to the time of the morning. She wasn’t sure what day it was, but from what she could deduce it must have been a weekend since it was only nine in the morning and it seemed most of the students were just now getting up. However, she knew she could be wrong. Perhaps they start school later these days, or perhaps it was the summer. Then it hit her, how did she know these things in the first place?

 

“What day is it,” Jean asked, grateful to get her mind off of the question threatening to cause her another episode, “Actually, the entire date itself would be good, along with the date I was here last, or maybe just my age. I don’t want too many details, but I also want a vague idea of the time. Just use your best judgement since I seem to be lacking the words to describe exactly what I want.”

 

“It is March in 2018. You were here last in May of 2006. I'm not sure what you'll consider your age, but you would have turned 51 this past January. You definitely don’t look your age though. You honestly look like you did when you were in your late teens, early twenties. I’m only a little jealous.”

 

Ororo must have made the joke due to Jean’s frown, but it felt flat and only caused her frown to loosen slightly. She had been dead 12 years, and somehow come back  _ younger  _ than when she died. She was over 50! She couldn’t believe her ears. She knew she had come down here because she was hungry, but she lost all her appetite at the news.

 

“Mmm, Ororo, you haven’t brewed this coffee in a long time,” A big, furry, blue man in nice clothes walked through the kitchen only to stop before Jean, removing the spectacles off of his face, “My god, Jean. They weren’t kidding when they said you were going to be a blast from the past. You don’t look a day over 20, my dear.”

 

“Uh, thank you, um…”

 

“Oh,” Hank straightened up a little and extended a paw, “Doctor Hank McCoy at your service. I had nearly forgotten that they said you were experiencing some amnesia.”

 

“Does everyone always talk about me?”

 

“Well,” Ororo butted in after taking another drink of her coffee, “It’s not everyday that our friends come back from the dead.”

 

Jean felt a spark of guilt settle in the pit of her stomach, solidifying her decision on eating. She was far from hungry now, and only sought to return to her room. She couldn’t hide forever, and she knew that. Instead, to show herself she could be strong, she remained there and continued to drink her coffee in silence. The pair of adults seemed to be understanding though, as Hank made his coffee and offered to walk Ororo through the gardens this morning.

 

The rumble of feet just a little earlier managed to sound like it was coming down the stairs now, but no one seemed to enter this kitchen just yet. She was curious as to how many of them opted for the cafeteria food. She was also curious how many more people that she didn’t remember were going to stumble upon her today and question her sudden reappearance. It had already been awkward enough to not remember her supposed best friend, let alone Hank. She was sure she could never forget a furry blue man.

 

She was beginning to have an inkling of an answer to her last question as yet another being entered the kitchen. She didn’t recognize them yet, but there were plenty of people here she wouldn’t be able to recognize. Maybe she ought to turn it into a game to see how many names she can memorize as quickly as she can. The young man’s blue eyes were fixed upon her now that he realized her presence though, and her own gaze returned to the cup of coffee in her hands. Maybe he would just get his breakfast and allow her to return to her own thoughts.

 

That idea was quickly crushed as he began to speak, undoubtedly to her since she was the only other soul in the room. “Is this your first day? I don’t recognize you, and I think I would remember such a pretty woman.”

 

Oh my, was he  _ flirting  _ with her? Now she was forced to either acknowledge his presence or continue to ignore him. Either way, the situation became much more awkward than Jean was capable of dealing with calmly. “Uh, yes and no. I guess I used to live here and everything. I just can’t remember any of it.”

 

“Holy shit, Jean? Oh god. I’m so sorry for swearing, and for hitting on you. I… I thought you were just another new girl and I just… I’m sorry. I knew you came back, but I thought you would well, look like you used to.”

 

“Well now I’m not sure if I should be flattered or upset. Was I unworthy of being hit on before, or was it simply my position?” Somehow, knowing that he was stammering and backtracking on his words gave her a small sense of amusement. She was simply joking with her words, but watching his eyebrows scrunch together as he tried to find the right words to explain himself was quite rewarding. It was enough to make up for the awkwardness she had just experienced as she listened to him stuttering before speaking up on his behalf and ending her own cruelty.

 

“It was just a joke, I think I understand what you meant. It’s not a big deal. You’ve more than paid for your crime in embarrassment. I would like to know your name, that way I can start adding it to the growing list of things I’m supposed to remember.”

 

“Yeah, sorry, forgot my manners quite a lot I guess. I’m Bobby Drake, but I prefer to go by Iceman. You know, powers and everything. So you have memory loss? How far back?”

 

“As far as possible is my guess. I don’t remember anything, and if I do, it’s all dormant and comes out mostly from muscle memory. Like I know how to use a spoon and such, but I couldn’t tell you which spoon was my favorite spoon to use for coffee.”

 

“Sounds a lot like when Logan came.”

 

“That’s what he told me as well. I’m not even sure what happens now though. I may not remember any of it, but I’ve been told and shown what I’ve done when I was last around… I could understand if people didn’t want me here.”

 

“I honestly doubt that people don’t want you here, but my guess is that they probably want you to be the way you were before all of that. Which means they will probably want you to get your memories back as soon as possible. I’m not quite up there yet in terms of seniority to be included in those kinds of meetings yet, but hey, I still graduated and I’m an X-Man. Life doesn’t get better than this in my eyes.”

 

“I would venture a guess and say congratulations are in order then. So, congrats on graduating and congrats on becoming an X-Man.”

 

“Thanks. Listen, I was just supposed to grab some coffee for me and Kitty, but I’ll see you around Jean.” Bobby was speaking and grabbing out mugs at the same time. One for him, and one for this Kitty. They must have a taste for bitterness as he simply poured the coffee before making his way out.

 

Jean called out after him, “See you around Bobby.” After the words left her mouth, her stomach growled again and she remembered the reason she came downstairs in the first place. She was torn though, as she didn’t think she could stand the crowd undoubtedly in the cafeteria or potentially eating someone else’s food and making them upset. Ever the savior, Logan strode into the kitchen with a small smile on his face as he noticed Jean.

 

“Mornin’ Red. I see you got some coffee, I’ll have to thank ‘Ro for waking you up. You hungry? I’ve got some food I could cook for us both so you don’t have to go into the cafeteria. All the kids are getting breakfast, so it’s pretty packed.” 

 

Jean nodded and watched him carefully as he made his way to the coffee pot as well, pouring out the last of its contents into his own mug. Part of her became irritated as she watched him set it back into the maker without starting a pot for someone else later. Instead of voicing her annoyance, she got up and threw out the filter and grounds herself before looking around in the cupboards for more.

 

“Do you want eggs too? How many strips of bacon?” Logan mumbled between sips of black coffee, another person who seemed to enjoy the bitterness as well. Without his help, she managed to find both filters and more coffee grounds, which pleased her. Maybe she wouldn’t have to rely on him so heavily as she felt inclined to.

 

“I’ll take two eggs and two strips.” She answered as she searched the coffee canister for directions, unsure of how many scoops to put in. Not finding an answer, she decided to bet on four as she listened to him grumble more words but not anything she could decipher. “You’ll have to speak up.”

 

“Mmm,” Logan had been drinking coffee while talking, “I asked how you wanted your eggs. Scrambled, sunny side up, over easy?”

 

“I’ll leave you with that decision. I don’t know how I like them right now.”

 

“Over easy it is.” 

 

Jean nodded her assent once more at his answer as she filled up the coffee pot with water. She was grateful for the muscle memory allowing her to understand the general way to make coffee. She was sure whomever was next to get a cup of java would be appreciative that there was even any left. Pouring the water into the back of the maker, she studied the buttons before pressing what she believed to be correct and returning the pot to the burner. As she heard the maker whir back to life, she was led to believe she was correct.

 

A sense of pride spiked at the back of her mind and a turn of her head confirmed Logan’s eyes were on her, watching her as she made coffee without any prompts. He had set the eggs and bacon out on the counter and seemed to be lost once he caught sight of her. She cleared her throat, trying to alert him that she was aware he was watching her. Instead of turning his attention back to the task in front of him, as she guessed others would, his eyes met hers and he raised an eyebrow. He was challenging her about it all, and her own eyebrow quirk received a chuckle.

 

“You’re projecting Logan. You should know better around a house of telepaths, right? Your emotions are so loud I don’t think I could block it out with all the concentration in the world. You’re proud I did something on my own, you’re ecstatic that I’m alive, and your heart… it’s jumping with joy at being around my presence again. It’s flattering, I’ll admit, but don’t you think you ought to stop and let me be alone with my own thoughts for a while?”

 

“Seems like some things never change Red. Something about you always seemed to urge me to think really, really loudly. Just go on and sit down. Grub’ll be up soon enough.”

 

She listened this time, not bothering to comment on his words. She resumed her seat from before, closing her eyes. Instead of reaching out, she decided to pull in, to rein in her emotions and thoughts, to center herself. Perhaps that would be the best method of blocking out the others. It must have worked, because she lost all sense of time until the sound of a plate in front of her drew her out of her own world.

 

“Welcome back. Did you have a nice trip in there?” Logan pointed to his temple as he grabbed his own plate which was loaded with bacon and plenty of eggs. He sat down next to her and she could feel his gaze upon her once more. She felt like she was practically burning alive right before him, and he seemed intent on watching every moment. To lessen her nerves and to avoid saying anything she regretted, she regressed to another simple nod before grabbing her fork and digging in.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for this chapter and the next, I wasn’t entirely sure where to cut it, so I decided at the first time skip since it would be changing the scene, although it does make the next chapter a little bit shorter. As always, any feedback is appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

A few days later and Jean found herself slowly getting a grasp on the organized chaos it took to run a school like this. Everyone who was employed was all in and hands on, and she couldn’t blame them. To support another generation, to nurture them into fine adults, it was the ultimate reward and she knew it. It was also why she knew she would have to protect them from any type of threat, even herself. The Professor had been picking up on those types of thoughts of hers though, when she would continuously promise herself that if she had to take herself out of the equation to protect them, she would. It was enough to prompt him into devoting himself daily to a therapy session for her, starting today.

 

She wished she hadn’t been focusing on it so thoroughly, because she still wasn’t over her fear of him. If he was as strong of a telepath as Logan believed he was, she wasn’t sure she would be able to fight him from getting into her head. No matter how many times Logan reassured her, it still didn’t help the sense of dread rising in her throat as she walked into the Professor’s office.

 

He was sitting at his wooden desk, a few chairs placed on the other side in front of it. Jean sat in one slightly off center once he motioned for her to come in. He had held his finger to his mouth, apparently on speaker phone once she heard another voice.

 

“Everything checks out up here Chuck, nothing out of the ordinary that I can sense. Alcatraz seemed normal too when ‘Ro and I checked it out.”

 

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. Thank you two for taking some time out of your busy schedules to appease an old man. Come on back and we’ll see you both for dinner,” his finger pressed a button on the phone, ending the phone call. “Ah, Jean, my dear. Welcome to my office. Feel free to look around if you wish. Not much has changed from the last time, but I know you don’t quite remember. How has everything been the last couple of days? How are you feeling? I was quite happy to hear that your physical went perfect.”

 

“I suppose I feel just fine. I don’t truly think I could really put how I feel into words. I mean, I have no real experiences to compare anything to. I will say that it is nice to have so many people constantly busy around me, it reminds me to stop and breathe. It’s been a little strange to adjust to this new life, but I think most of the struggle is due to the expectations from my memory loss. I… I don’t care to regain my memories. I saw what I did, and I don’t want to possibly fall into doing it all again. However, I do believe people expect me to be the same woman I was, which just isn’t possible.”

 

“Such an outlook is quite normal, however, I can assure you that you were not a bad person. Everyone you knew loved you, we all trusted you, even when that episode happened I never once blamed you. It was my own failings that created the Phoenix entity. I didn’t trust you enough to wield so much power all at once, you were so young. You may have accepted it, but I built those walls in your minds, and those walls allowed the Phoenix’s existence. All we can do this time around is to accept the past, and learn from our mistakes.”

 

“So you accept that we won’t be putting walls in my mind then?”

 

“I still disagree. I believe I know a better way to place them so it wouldn’t happen again. You have so much potential, so much raw power. I think you ought to train to get control over the few powers the walls would allow before adding more in slowly over time. In doing so, we could prevent outbursts like the ones you had when you were just a teenager, much like the first night you were here.”

 

“I can understand wanting to focus on one thing at a time, but if this is my natural state, if all of this is what I am, I should accept it all at once. It’s overwhelming, and it would be for anyone, but I am determined to never let the past repeat itself again, no matter the cost. I think avoiding those walls at all costs should be apart of it. I would rather spend my life in isolation that allow you to put them up again. They were a main ingredient in that monster’s creation.”

 

“While I do continue to disagree with you, I cannot force you, but I can continue to insist upon it. Jean, right now you have access to a nearly unlimited amount of power. If you cannot control your emotions, who knows what will happen? Maybe someone unintentionally frightens you, and the spike of fear causes you to lash out telekinetically. What if you hurt them?”

 

“I won’t. I’ll do whatever I can to prevent it  _ aside  _ from putting blocks into my head. If I change my mind, I’ll approach you about it, but I can tell you right now, I won’t. I have much to atone for, and before you protest and say these things aren’t my fault, you have to realize the only thing I can control is my own reaction. Those things may have influenced my reaction, but I can limit those influences, and I plan to. If I had to choose between having a perfectly good side and a perfectly evil side warring over my body or being an amalgamation of the two with a neutral sense of morality but being at peace, I would choose to be at peace.”

 

“As I have said, I cannot force you to do anything. However, I can offer to train you with your powers, especially in regards to telepathy. In fact, I’m going to highly recommend it so that you don’t have to attempt to figure it all out yourself. I’ve trained you before and I believe I know ways to improve upon it this time.”

 

“I’ll accept the training. Will it be apart of the time we devote to these therapy sessions? Which I think are unnecessary, by the way. I can understand the goal, as I suppose all of this would be considered traumatic, but I feel completely fine.”

 

“They will happen after our therapy sessions, and once I’ve determined your mental health, perhaps it will just become training. If you prefer, we can start with the training now, as I feel our session for the day is productive enough. I think the next session we have, we should attempt to unlock your memories or at least allow me a look inside your head to determine what is going that is blocking your memories.”

 

“I would like to start training now since it is an option, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for you to enter my head yet. Some part of me is still extremely uncomfortable with the prospect of allowing any other telepath inside of my head. It feels more so like an instinct to protect that than for a particular reason.”

 

“Duly noted, perhaps we will try to explore that feeling more next time then. We might be able to discover more about it without me even having to enter your mind. Plus, if we discover a reason that we can change, then we might one day reach a point where you will allow me in.”

 

“Thank you, for being understanding about this all. I know we were close in my past life, but I don’t really know you anymore, and I don’t think anyone really knows me anymore. I don’t even think I know myself quite yet, but I’m discovering more everyday, which is its own adventure.”

 

“I’m glad you think of it in that light, being positive is usually infectious and there isn’t anything wrong with it. To begin training, let’s practice our breathing first. We want to focus on our inner mind, and it helps to be focused. That’s it, in and out. Let us deepen our breaths and slow it down just a little. In… and out… Good.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, this one is a little bit of a shorter one! In terms of when these parts were written, the prologue was written a couple of years ago. Then at the beginning of 2018 I picked it back up and expanded it to up to this point and got an outline and synopsis of what I wanted to do with the story. Since I still haven’t finished the story at the point that I began to divide up the chapters, there’s a big hiatus from when I finished this chapter and started the next. Since I wasn’t sure what to do, there’s a time jump from the end of this chapter to the next. As always, any feedback is always appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5

**Several weeks later…**

 

_ Journal Entry 25 _

_ Friday, May 4th 2018 _

 

_ While I know Charles doesn’t read these words, but merely flips through the pages to see if I am still writing, I don’t see why these journal entries are necessary if they are for my own personal reflection. I don’t need my experiences written down in order to study and analyze them. I already began to do that on my own with my meditation, which has been going great. I understand that I am supposed to outpour my emotions into this to examine them but it’s not like they have been spiking. It’s become a plateau of outward numbness, but inner frustration.  _

 

_ I cannot escape my old self it seems. There are different expectations from everyone, but it can be summarized by saying that they all wish I was still her. Not everyone pushes for me to retrieve my old memories, but they are two groups of those who do; those who are subtle and those who are not. Because of it, I tend to avoid the following people due to their continuous pressure: Charles (outside of our required therapy sessions), Hank, Kitty, and Bobby. I was surprised by Kitty’s and Bobby’s recent addition to this list, as I had been getting along just fine with them until today. _

 

_ I had started to train with some of the current X-Men, which now consists of Ororo (Storm) as the leader, Logan (Wolverine) as her right hand man, Hank (Beast) who typically stays back due to being the only doctor here, Piotr (Colossus), Marie (Rogue), Kitty (Shadowcat), and Bobby (Iceman). I haven’t gone out on any missions, and I don’t plan on doing so, if I were to have my way. We’ve mainly been running training simulations as a team in the Danger Room. After every session, Ororo and Logan pull me aside to give me a status report. They’ve both been saying I’m doing pretty well. Ororo claims I’m doing far better than I was when I was truly this age. I know they also give a report to Charles though. We had been training together, but he claims I seem to latently remember the techniques he taught me and so those sessions have been reduced to a few times a week. Our therapy sessions have been reduced to the same number as well, since I seem to be in fine health, physically and mentally, for someone with amnesia. _

 

_ Today, in our training, I had been using my powers minimally, as I have been this whole time. Kitty got hurt by the training bot and broke her leg. Immediately, Bobby snapped at me yelling that if I was just like I used to be, it wouldn’t have happened. He also said that none of their injuries would be happening since I was so powerful. I felt myself grow angry, but instead of acting out or yelling back, I just focused on my breathing to center myself. I was meditating again without realizing that I was in my own mind, but when I came back, which I figured to only be a couple of minutes, Logan was yelling at Bobby. Then Kitty began to argue with Logan that what Bobby said was true.  _

 

_ I was glad to have Logan defending me, but he defends me over every little thing. I know he’s just looking out for me, but it’s just becoming a little overwhelming. He’s always near, and not just because he lives here as well. Sometimes I just round a corner and catch him. I’d rather have him on my side though. The biggest downfall to him through it all is that while I know he really does love me and support me, I just don’t want to be in a relationship with him (or anyone) right now. I still feel guilty about Scott, and I don’t know if I’m in complete control of my powers yet. I haven’t tested my limits, but I plan to tomorrow in my own Danger Room session.  _

 

_ I’m just glad that I can count on Ororo, Logan, and Rogue to be supportive of me not wanting to attempt to get my memories back. I’ve explained to them that I’m too afraid of repeating my mistakes, that since I have them around, they can help steer me away from the same mistakes if I’m moving towards them. I’ve explained that to everyone, but Charles still wants me to let him into my mind, not only for that but in general. I still haven’t let him, and I don’t plan on letting anyone in there, at all. Maybe one day I’ll let someone into my heart, but they’ll have to have that and then  _ **_earn_ ** _ me letting them into my mind. _

 

Jean set down the pen and closed the journal before storing it away in the drawer of her vanity. She had finished her thoughts once the fifteen minutes she was supposed to dedicate daily were up. Her eyes moved over to the clock on her nightstand, noting that it was close to five in the evening, which meant dinner was going to be ready soon. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go to the cafeteria, which was surprisingly good and she could see why the majority of the residents chose it, or if she were to cook herself some of the food she had bought. 

 

It had been a small task to even get her hands on getting her funds back. She had bequeathed her money to Charles, who had kept it in his account, but she didn’t exist to the world. Since she couldn’t have a bank account, Charles gave her a card with access to a separate account he made for only her use. Due to her lack of existence in the system however, she would never be able to withdraw the money from the bank (though she could with an ATM), or anything else that required proof of identity. Logan told her that he had access to someone who could create a new identity for her, but she still didn’t want to. If she couldn’t be herself in the system, she wasn’t sure she wanted to be anyone. With the access to what she had here, she didn’t have a need either.

 

Perhaps she should be taking his offer into consideration as a sort of contingency plan, in case she had to leave suddenly, but if that was the case, she would just leave anyways and the legality of it wouldn’t matter. At this point though, the only reason she would leave was to be to save everyone. She didn’t care if she felt like she wasn’t being treated well. Life wasn’t fair, and she felt like she deserved the punishment for her previous crimes. She chuckled to herself knowing that if Logan was able to hear her thoughts, he would fiercely be denying them and attempting to change her outlook. He was a strange man, and he seemed to show her more loyalty than anything else. She only hoped that she wouldn’t hurt him with her own feelings, or moreso her determined lack thereof. She wasn’t ready for a relationship just yet and even if she was, she wasn’t sure if she would return them. Until then, she would hope by being his friend that she wasn’t leading him on.

 

Before she got too much further into her own self reflection, she decided to head downstairs to the kitchen to cook herself some food. Then like she did every night, she would walk the grounds for about an hour or so before heading to her room to meditate before bed. She was glad she found a routine for herself that didn’t revolve around the classes that the students took. She didn’t need them, and she didn’t feel like she could teach any of them just yet. It left most of her day to training, meditation, and self reflection. She would improve herself beyond what she had previously been, and hoped in doing so, she would make her past self a mere echo of what she could have been and what she will be. She would not become a monster, and she would save those that she could.

 

She was still lost in her thoughts, analyzing herself over and over again, when she appeared in the kitchen. She didn’t even realize she wasn’t in the moment until her eyes took in the sight of Ororo, Hank, and Logan eating together and laughing, only to quiet immediately upon her presence. A pang of hurt hit her in the heart, but as always, she was stone faced. If she was to control her emotions, she was going to start by making sure she was able to hide them on her face. She moved to the cupboard to grab out some ramen noodles, deciding that a quick retreat was better than some useful nutrition.

 

She pulled the lid back almost all the way and put the cup underneath where the water came out for the Keurig machine. She selected a size and watched as the water heated and poured in. Once it was done, she put the lid back on, grabbed a pair of chopsticks and moved to leave the kitchen. Maybe she was in her own head again, because she didn’t hear his movements, didn’t hear anyone protest with their words, didn’t even hear his words, but she felt Logan’s mental presence behind her, following her as she walked out to the gardens to eat. 

 

“Logan,” Jean called him out as she removed the lid from her cup after letting the noodles cook, “Are you following me to keep an eye on me, or do you have something to say?”

 

Unabashedly, he moved out into the light, seemingly taking her words as an invitation to walk beside her as she ate and roamed. His bulky shoulders shrugged slightly as he made an animal like noise, still searching for his own words. “I ain’t the best with words, but I guess it’s just that being around you makes me feel more at peace. Ain’t felt like that in quite a while until you came back, and I keep thinking you’re gonna disappear on me. Then again, if I were you, I’d disappear too. Bobby and Kitty ain’t got no right to say shit like that to you, makes me angry, angrier than I have been in a while. You seem to make me feel a lot, but you always were able to do that.”

 

“I’m glad that I can make you feel at peace, and you usually do that for me too. I’m just a little too focused on myself to want to take advantage of that fact right now. However, I’m not going to say Bobby and Kitty are wrong. Maybe if I was my old self I would do better. I just don’t think I should be training with the team until I’m more comfortable in my new skin, and I wish people would back off on trying to convince me to let Charles search for my old memories. I saw them through your eyes, and I don’t want to relive my own pain, and I could easily see that they were painful.”

 

“I ain’t ever gonna fault you for any of that, but I do like having you with the team. It’s where you belong, old memories with you or not. I keep trying to tell everyone not to expect you to be the same woman you once were, but that just blows up in my face if I say it. They keep saying to me that I’m just placing my bets on you loving me, like that’s always my end goal and I’d do anything to manipulate you into that. You know I wouldn’t do anything like that, I’ll always be your friend first as I already have. Won’t stop me from flirting none though.”

 

Jean chuckled and elbowed Logan softly in the ribs as she slurped on some of her noodles. She knew the truth in his words, as she already had this discussion with him before in a few various ways. He didn’t want her to depend on him, but he did want her to lean on him, on whomever she needed to really, when the going got tough. He knew what it was like to be at it alone, and he didn’t want her to suffer as he had. All in all, his love for her shined through, in her eyes, because all of his words, his actions, pointed to him simply wanting her to be happy, however it was.

 

She was glad he was content with silence too, as they simply walked side by side throughout the grounds as she ate her food, occasionally glancing up at the night sky to see the stars and the moon. A white streak went by, both her and Logan pointing to it at the same time. She glanced over to him to see a small grin on his face before he spoke, “It’s a shooting star. You’re supposed to close your eyes and make a wish.”

 

Jean eyelids fluttered closed as she steadied her breathing, and concentrated on her own personal desires to decide on which one she wanted to come to fruition the most. To be left alone? No. To be accepted as she was? Most likely. To control her powers entirely? Definitely high up there. To let herself be loved? What the hell was she doing thinking that? She went with wishing that she would be able to have control over herself sooner than later. When she opened her eyes again, she cast them to her now empty cup of noodles.

 

“I’m going to get going back inside, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow for training, and thank you, for everything so far.” She watched him dip his head into a small nod, a bittersweet smile on his countenance. She could feel his longing reaching out for her, trying to will her to stay with him just a little bit longer, to give him the peace he wanted for a few more moments. Her eyebrows furrowed as she felt herself frown, messing with the chopsticks in the cup as she turned her back to him, not wanting to get sucked into his tempting presence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter starts with a time jump due to the actual time between the previous chapter and this one, as I explained in the previous chapter. I sort of feel like the time jump was a cop out, but I’m also not sure what I would have even wrote. I mean, truthfully, at the end of the day this is a story arc meant to end with Jean and Logan getting together and having their own happily ever after, not an exploration of Jean’s relationship with the others. I do plan on exploring those relationships at least on the surface level, but I may end up giving the list of the people I put on the X-Men roster their own little scenes to interact with Jean and at least resolve their tensions or solidify their friendships once more, not quite sure yet! In my own little outline, once I hit the events that essentially build up to the climax, I may just start posting this chapter by chapter instead of holding off until it’s completely finished (which has been the case). As always, feedback is appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

The next few weeks were much more of the same. Jean would wake up, eat breakfast, go to the gym within the school for a couple more hours. Afterwards, she would either go to her room to meditate for two to three hours or visit Charles for her therapy sessions depending on the day of the week, then it would be lunch. After lunch, she would go to the Danger Room to do some of her own training in regards to her powers until the rest of the X-Men team were done with classes for the day, once that happened, she would join them in their simulations still. Those sessions usually lasted until dinner, where she would eat, then go walking around the grounds for about an hour before heading back inside to shower and either meditate or read before bed. She would typically squeeze in her required fifteen minutes of journaling either after her time at the gym or after her nightly shower.

 

So far, the routine had been paying off for her incredibly, she felt more physically fit and agile than ever and she could even hold her own in hand-to-hand combat with her more physically gifted teammates. She had begun to open herself up to the idea of using her powers more frequently in her training, although she kept it to a minimum otherwise. She was beginning to prefer to use her telekinetics to help her seemingly have more strength, and she had been showing promise in her own personal sessions on creating a weapon with her powers to use. Right now, it was manifesting as one of her arms appearing to be the bone for a wing made of flames. She wasn’t sure what the properties of these flames were just yet, and was beginning to just scratch at the surface of tests she wanted to do with it before even introducing it to the team.

 

She still had her problems with some of the others pressuring her to retrieve her memories. Charles was beginning to pressure her more, and even began to pressure her to allow him to put up the walls within her head again. Every time he suggested anything of the sort, she would simply tell him about all the progress she was making as it was, and explain that she didn’t want to mess with her own accomplishments. The more she explained her feelings, the more he seemed to ease off on the subject, and she was beginning to wonder if it was on purpose. She was sure it was just the way he found best to draw out her emotions and make her open up to him. As it was, it wasn’t doing her any harm, so she would oblige until it became a problem for her. Charles had even paid her a compliment the other day on her progress with their telepathy training, stating that she was showing even better restraint and control with it than she ever had previously. She didn’t have to state how it made her feel, as she was unable to hide the large grin plastered on her face. To know she was doing better than her old self, who was riddled with personal demons, made her ecstatic. 

 

The only place she felt she wasn’t making any progress at all, was in matters of the heart. She was still determined to stay with her decision of not letting anyone in until she could control her powers. She still mourned Scott’s death, even if she barely knew him now, she was still responsible for his death and it weighed heavily on her soul. She was told, and she knew it to be the truth, that she had loved him deeply in her previous life. If she could kill someone as close to her as that when she had became that  _ thing _ , then no one around her would be safe until she knew she could keep herself together. 

 

Once a week, typically on Sundays, Jean would visit his headstone and replace the flowers at his grave. Charles was able to come back, Jean was able to come back more than once, but Scott was unfortunately not as lucky. Jean would often read or meditate beside his grave for some time when she came out once a week. To her, forcing herself to spend the time beside his grave, to be beside the physical reminder of her crimes, was a sort of penance she could do to honor his memory. Every time before she left, she would promise him that whomever had her heart next would have it when she could prevent the tragedy that took his life from happening to another.

 

Yet, for all of her stubborn will, every time she managed to be alone with Logan for more than just a fleeting moment, she felt that she could melt under his gaze. She felt drawn to him on a sort of instinctual way. Was this how her previous self had felt? Is this why she had given Logan that kiss that never should have been? She couldn’t just go and begin to avoid him, he was her closest friend and he understood her better than anyone else these days. She just had to continuously tell herself to stay strong, to keep herself from hurting him. If she felt herself too drawn in, she would close her eyes and conjure up the last memory he had of her past self.

 

**Her eyes were dark, pitch black, the darkness even spreading into her veins, threatening to take over every part of the woman he loved with all of his broken heart. Each second spent near her as her gaze was upon him was agony. Each step only caused further pain, and for all he had been through with his healing factor, for every close encounter with fleeting death, it was nothing in comparison to this. Skin and muscle were dissolved to expose his adamantium covered bones, but he had made it to her. That voice, the one that didn’t truly belong to his love called out to him, accusing him. “You would die for them?”**

 

**“No, not for them.” The physical and emotional pain was putting pressure behind the dam he had built to keep everything in check, and it was threatening to break. He had to hold on though, he was the only one who could stop the monster that had taken the shape of the woman he loved. He would free her, even if it killed him in the process. His determination was present in his voice as he told her the simple truth. “For you, for you.”**

 

**He watched the emotions on her face, witnessing the internal turmoil for Jean to scratch her way to the surface, to dig herself out of the dark pit for a moment of control. He had reached her, at least, and that was what he truly wanted. He would be a shining beacon for her in the dark, even if it was the last thing he would ever do. His heart broke right down the center as he heard her tearful reply.**

 

**“Save me.”**

 

**She had asked this of him before, and he knew he should have listened to her then. The dam was close to bursting as his tears welled up in his eyes, knowing what he would have to do. She already knew what he would have to say to her, and he was sure she always knew, but he had to voice it. She had to know before he granted her this last wish, she had to know his promise.**

 

**“I love you.” Even if he didn’t say it aloud, his heart and mind sang aloud to her that he would always love her, that he would never stop loving her. He was hers, always and forever, and no one in his long, wretched, and now hollow life would be able to take that away from her. As soon as he knew he had conveyed that to her, he couldn’t waste any more time. She struggled to even get to the surface to ask him to end it for her, and she had to be struggling to stay in control to allow him to fulfill her request. His claws were out and into her stomach before she could even flinch. He watched her face scrunch up in the pain he had caused her before morphing into simple relief that she was finally free.**

 

**Once the light left her, once he heard her pulse stop, the dam exploded. He clutched at her lifeless body, tears freely flowing as he cried out in his loss. He had held her there in that spot, rocking back and forth as he had to accept that she was gone from his life yet again, that she was dead yet again. This time though, he had caused that death. It took the entire team to pry him away from her, to pry him out of his grief. He wanted to stay there, curled up by her body until he perished, but he had others who depended on him, and so he had to leave.**

 

It was a memory that she had delved into more than the first time she asked him to share his memories of her with him. When she was feeling low, when she thought she was just making more and more mistakes, she would ask him to share it with her. It was her way of reliving it, of watching what she had become and what she had done to those she cared about. The fact it was so vivid for him, something she was sure had traumatized him so completely, was not lost upon her. It was why she could recall it so easily, why she could slip into it and become him experiencing such anguish. It was what kept her going on her path of self improvement and what kept her from giving into his longing. If she was going to return his feelings, she wasn’t going to allow the possibility that he would have to repeat the scene ever again. 

 

Thinking of the memory again had her clutching her stomach, leaning against Scott’s headstone for support. She had been meditating and self reflecting once again as she forced herself to mourn him, to atone for what she done. She would stab herself with a thousand emotional knives if it were to bring him back, if it were to change what she had done. She knew it wouldn’t, but it did help her feel better about when she finally enjoyed herself during the rest of her week. The guilt she had caused herself parted like the seas as she felt a familiar presence once again. 

 

Logan was coming out to join her, probably following her scent to her usual spot at this time on Sundays. As if he knew she wasn’t going to read his mind, but wanting to comfort her without words, he projected to her. His mind reached out for hers, offering what she was sure was the equivalent to a nuzzle. He was often animal like in this regard. He must smell her emotions, because he would project to react to it. If she’s scared, he’d project calm to her, if she’s happy, he’d project his happiness to add to it as well, and like he is now, if she’s sad, he’d project the comfort he wishes to give her. For once, she was welcoming of it, and even let herself return the gesture and allowed him to feel her mental self returning the gesture.

 

His posture, which had been stiff as he walked to her slowly, as if she was some sort of skittish animal, had now softened. He sat beside her on the other side of Scott’s headstone. His hazel eyes were slowly studying the words etched into the stone as his calloused fingers moved across the X. “You know, I ain’t ever liked him, but I sure as hell respected him as a leader. Yeah, I never wanted to follow his plans, and usually didn’t, but he was a good guy underneath it all. He had to have been if he won your heart, you know? I wish I could have told him something like that before he went. When we lost you the first time… He was so broken. I thought I was going to be the one going crazy, but like every other thing I lost, I buried it and tried to busy myself. He couldn’t even bring himself to do that. He tried, he did, but everywhere he went here, he looked like he was seeing your ghost. Eventually, he just started staying in his room only coming out to eat. Soon enough, he wasn’t even doing that. We’d all take turns bringing him food, trying to get him to eat.

 

"I remember it had gotten so bad that Charles was threatening to have Hank put a feeding tube into him. I ain’t sure if it was pity or somewhere in me I genuinely cared about his choice about whether he ate or not, but if it was my turn I’d tell him that if he at least took a bite of everything, I’d eat the rest for him so they wouldn’t do that to him. The only part was, if I was gonna eat everything, I’d be sitting there and complaining the whole time. He took me up on it though, and I think it was the most he was eating, honestly. I never actually complained in the end, I just sat there, eating the rest in silence. The last time I gave him his food, he actually ate about half of it before giving it over to me. I think he was getting a little better. I tried to help him with his grief, tried to explain he wasn’t the only one who lost you, but he couldn’t even bear to hear about you.

 

"I think we became kindred spirits of sorts, both pining after a woman who had died, and not sure how to mourn when there were so many people depending on us. I ain’t never believed him to be a selfish man up until he lost you. I thought he would’ve done what I did, which was busy myself with other shit. At first, he was reasonable with just wanting some time to breathe and realize the world without you, but I think the nights alone were killing him. I’m sure he kept seeing you every time he closed his eyes. I know I was having nightmares, just trying to get you back onto the damn jet and failing every time…

 

"Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, I’d think he’d be happy you’re spending time with him, and that you’re trying so hard to make sure you never do that to anyone. He’d be glad that you’re smiling too, even if it is just every once in a while. Hell, he’d probably tell you to do it more because he liked you best when you were. I ain’t going to stick around for your time with him, but I did think you ought to know that. You know where to look if you wanna find me later.”

 

With that, Jean watched him walk away, keeping her stone facade on until he was well out of her mental reach. Once he was, she curled up on her side, clutching at the grave and letting herself cry. She was sorry, so sorry to have made Scott feel like that, to have made anyone feel like that with her deaths. She was sure they were probably on edge, waiting for her to die again as she had. Maybe that was why they were all so wary around her, they weren’t ready to open themselves up again only to lose her and be forced to grieve all over again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I definitely wasn’t crying while writing any of this. Nope, not at all. I also didn’t make myself rewatch her death scene in X-Men: The Last Stand to make sure I absorbed the entire impact. The only thing I hope you all don’t mind is how I dealt with Scott’s grief. With the way the room was and how he acted around Logan, I do think Scott just withdrew into himself. He did look like he was a little gaunt and everything too. I just took some creative liberties with it. As always, any feedback is appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

After what Jean experienced yesterday while she was out beside Scott’s grave, she decided she really needed to make an effort to be friends with those on the team, and then afterwards she can slowly expand to everyone else. She knew she could at least count Logan as one of her friends, and so she didn’t feel the need to go and try to resolve their issues. As far as she was concerned, the only real issue they had was his feelings for her and her refusal to even believe she could have feelings for him. It was an issue that would only be fixed with time, time she would be using to develop herself and her powers. For everyone else, she figured it was best to start with those that were already close to her and supportive, and eventually make her way to those who weren’t so fond of her. 

 

Her true goal was to at least be able to respect one another during missions, as Charles had recently informed her that she was almost ready to take on the graduation course for the X-Men. If she could pass the simulation, which was tailored to each person, then she would be a part of the team permanently. It wasn’t something she was eager for, but it was something that would help her. If she put herself through more challenges, it was sure to test her and her limits, and if she was with a team, she could lean on them if she was close to pushing herself too far. Her only concern was that she was afraid she may end up accidentally hurting them, but Charles assured her that as long as she continued to train and be open about her emotions, she should be fine.

 

Instead of eating dinner alone, and wandering the grounds alone as well, Jean sought out Ororo. The dark skinned woman had been her past self’s best friend, and had been extremely understanding of her current situation. She had even offered to help describe some of her and Jean’s past shared memories, but so far, Jean had declined out of fear of the emotions it could bring up to the woman. She didn’t want Ororo, who was so kind hearted and sweet, to suffer anymore than she already had at the loss of the Jean she had previously known. She wanted to become friends with her on her own accord, on her own merits, than simply continue to be friends since they were previously. Still, Jean felt a pang of guilt for not trying to comfort Ororo over the loss of her best friend, as the Jean she had known no longer existed.

 

Her heart was happy when she spotted the bright white hair in the kitchen, getting herself a cup of coffee, no doubt preparing for another long night ahead. She didn’t blame her for her reliance on caffeine as she was both a teacher here and the leader of the X-Men, a task that didn’t come lightly by itself, let alone together. She smiled softly at the taller woman as she grabbed out a mug to prepare some non-caffeinated tea for herself. “Ororo, I was wondering if I could join you for dinner, and then maybe we could do some talking. Nothing super important, I just want to get to know you better. I feel like it would help me a lot, but I can understand if you don’t want to.”

 

Ororo was adding the creamer and sugar to her coffee as she nodded, returning the smile Jean had shown her. “I would love that actually. I don’t have too much time to commit to you, since I’ve got so many papers to grade, but I’d love to talk, even if it’s just small talk. However, if you keep wanting to talk when I have to start grading papers, I may have to tax you by having you help me. Deal?”

 

“Deal. Are you eating your own food or having the cafeteria food tonight?”

 

“Cafeteria, they’re serving one of my favorites tonight: lemon pepper chicken and wild rice. You interested?”

 

“Yeah, that actually sounds fantastic. Are you going to eat now, or are you going to wait a bit?”

 

“Well, I was going to grade a few papers before eating, but since you brought this up, I’d be fine with eating now. Do you want to eat in there or somewhere else?”

 

Jean knew exactly why she asked that question. Even when she did get the cafeteria food, she gravitated towards eating alone. She accounted it to the fact she didn’t have a group of people she wanted to share her meals with in particular. Logan tended to eat alone as well, and he would be her typical buffer for other people. She shrugged, “I was thinking maybe we could eat in your room. We could eat and grade papers together. I don’t mind helping you out at all, so long as I know what I’m looking for to grade it by.”

 

“Sounds like a plan to me, and hey, if we get the grading done early enough, we could watch a movie or something. I’ve got plenty stashed in my room.” Ororo grinned at her and Jean nodded her head with a small chuckle. She would probably decline on the movie, as her social energy was already waning, but she wanted to try. These people deserved more out of her with all they had given her as it was.

 

Ororo led the way through the cafeteria line, getting Jean’s tray filled for her as she insisted on Jean trying the various side dishes offered. Jean didn’t mind it at all, as she was prepared to go out of her comfort zone as it was. What she did mind were the stares she received every time she went through the cafeteria and the whispering in the back of her mind. She was typically good at blocking other thoughts out, but all the bodies packed into one room and thinking about her bothered her. It was like their minds were trying to scream for her attention, and temptation was scratching at her skin.

 

She stuck close to Ororo, setting her mug of tea onto the tray once it was handed to her. They grabbed their utensils and some napkins while the other woman led the way to her room. Jean was happy to finally see what it looked like on the inside, as she knew the woman had an affinity for gardening. What she didn’t expect was the pleasant floral fragrance curling into her nose as she examined the various potted plants in the room. There was practically a small garden in the corner of the room where the windows were, perfect for the sunshine required. Instead of the vanity like the one in Jean’s room, Ororo had a wooden computer desk where a laptop was set with various stacks of papers sorted out around it. The desk was placed beside the plants, against the wall. Jean wouldn’t have minded having the set up herself as the plants were pleasant to look at while deep in work.

 

Ororo’s double bed had a floral set on it, the comforters, bed skirt, sheets, pillows, the whole works. It seemed someone had even engraved floral patterns into the wooden bed posts and headboard. The closet doors, which were currently shut, had various pages of magazines posted on them. Of course they were arrangements of flowers and various tips for gardening, which didn’t surprise Jean one bit. She even had a small couch that sat at the end of her bed. It was upholstered in a white fabric and had a couple of white decorative pillows which had a sunflower printed onto its fabric for both. It was far more personal than Jean’s plain bedroom which she still had not done anything with, and she was beginning to wonder if she should. This room felt like a person’s home, while hers felt more like a temporary set up.

 

Ororo sat on the couch, putting the decorative pillows up onto her bed before patting the spot next to her, inviting Jean to sit and chat while they ate. She obliged her, sitting down and setting her tray on her knees. She was going to have to be careful not to spill anything and possibly stain the furniture. Deciding to take the first step, Jean began to speak. “Before I say or ask anything that might make you uncomfortable, I was wondering something. Is asking anything about my old self off limits? I don’t want to make you upset or anything, and I don’t have any pressing questions of the like, but if I were to become curious during our talking, I just want to know if it’s okay.”

 

Ororo was taking a sip of her coffee as Jean asked her question, seemingly using the drink to prolong her answer. Jean didn’t mind, as she knew Ororo was more than likely processing her request, debating on whether or not she truly should let this new Jean have free reign over her questions about her past. Jean would accept either answer, as she truly didn’t want to upset Ororo. Her emerald orbs watched as the other woman gently inclined her head to the side.

 

“I suppose asking those questions wouldn’t hurt, and if it’s too hard for me to answer or think about, I’ll let you know, okay?”

 

Jean nodded her head, a smile slowly crossing her lips as she thought hard about what she wanted to ask first. “I’m not going to immediately ask any questions about it, and it’s mostly if it comes up during our conversation. My first question is how did you come to be here?”

 

“Ah, it is a good question,” Ororo was slicing up her chicken into pieces as she answered, “I was born in Africa, and lived with my parents for a time until they were both taken from me. Orphaned, I ended up getting into a street gang where I became a pickpocket and thief. I actually nearly picked Charles’s pocket, but since he was a telepath he stopped me. I didn’t officially meet him until years later, when I ventured south to Kenya. I was living with a tribe of my ancestors and since my powers had developed, I was worshipped as a goddess. They taught me how to use my powers appropriately. I helped out the team with a mission once, and was eventually approached by Charles to join to rescue the original team, which included your old self. Since then, I’ve stuck around.”

 

“No wonder why you're the leader now. You've been here so long and it's… well I almost feel embarrassed to say, but even without being a telepath, I can tell how much you care. I hope I was like that too. Being here, even now with my amnesia, this place feels like home. Some days things are hazy, but I have a lot of muscle memory or I can remember some of the organization to this place. Most of the time, I just feel emotions about seeing something or someone.”

 

“I see. What makes you feel like this? Are there particular things or people?”

 

“Weirdly enough, touching the paneling. It's like there's latent memories of everyone held within it. The first time I had coffee, I remembered what to do. As for people, it's a little more complicated. The younger ones, when I see them do something with their powers and with control, I feel pride. When I see any of you interact with the children, I feel warm. When I see Logan, I feel safe.”

 

“You two do spend a lot of time together. Is there something going on between the two of you?”

 

“I… I'm not sure. I know how he feels, and while I'm not sure how I feel, I know what I want. I need to get in control before I let anyone in any further. I'm better at it than when I first woke up, but I can't… I won't be that monster and if that means I can't be here, then that's what it means.”

 

Jean was getting worked up, and she knew it, but there was a warm and steady hand resting over hers. Ororo had a smile on her face that made Jean want to just break down and let it all out. There was no judgment, there never had been, and she couldn't be more grateful.

 

“You're not alone Jean,” she withdrew her hand to continue eating the nearly forgotten food, “You're not alone unless you want to be. Everyone here just wants to help, but we can't if you won't let us and that's your choice. No matter your choice, I will be here for you to support you. If you go back to that, I'll be there to try and bring you back, as I was last time. Memories or no, I will always be your friend.”

 

With that ease of mind, their meal reverted back to a form of small talk. It wasn't as heavy as before, but it had been informative. It was close to twenty questions and they exchanged small details such as their favorite colors or their hobbies. Ororo told Jean how the flowers would come and go with the season, but no matter what, they would still come back in the springtime as lovely as ever. Jean explained what it was like to meditate, how she was able to slip into nothing or even just her own thoughts. Afterwards, instead of their walk, they parted ways glad to have something of substance to write in her diary.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me a lot longer to write. I ended up halfway through their dialogue and lost muse for over a year, which is why this one is shorter. I still have my original plan on what to write for this that I want to continue with. I'm just glad that Ororo and Jean are able to get along. I was half afraid that Ororo would hold some sort of latent anger that her best friend was gone, but so far, so good. Thanks for continuing to read, and hopefully I'll be able to continue and conclude this story! As always, feedback is loved and appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

Her breath came out in short puffs of air as she telekinetically slammed one robot into another, decommissioning both. Her left arm came up, a wing of fire emanating from her as bullets aimed her way disintegrated into nothing before her eyes. Just a mere thought caused the robot's head to crush into itself. This was Jean when she didn't hold back, and damn if it didn't feel great.

 

To compensate for her quick dispatch of enemies, the Danger Room was producing more and more. She hadn’t even broken a sweat yet, and there were dozens of robots merging onto her location. She grinned and rolled her shoulders while craning her neck to each side, this was going to be a piece of cake. It might have seemed like she was pinned as she was in the middle of a hallway where it converged onto another, but it was strategic. She only had three sides to cover as she back was to a wall. She chuckled, feeling a bit of adrenaline-fueled glee take over.

 

She jutted her chest to her left, sending out a bird of fire that let out a mighty screech as it ran through each enemy in that particular hallway. The fire caused their circuits to fry, leaving piles of spare parts on the ground. Directly in front of her, she sent the first few robots flying back, knocking over some of the others causing a traffic jam that would allow her some time to deal with the enemies on her right.

 

Deciding she had enough of just standing and causing destruction, she got personally involved. She ran up to the first of the robots, jumping and landing a telekinetically charged kick to its middle. She used the momentum to land firmly on its middle as it fell backwards, glancing up at the row of prey with a fire in her eyes. She ran up one of the walls to leap onto the next of her victims. Her legs were firmly wrapped around its head as she used her hands, her powers giving her the strength needed to firmly rip its head right out of the body. Instead of falling with it, she backflipped off, kicking the useless metal into another robot.

 

As soon as she landed, she knew the time she bought in the middle was wearing thin. She could feel the shift in the air as the robots managed to finally clear out the pile of their fallen to get to her. Perfect. She stood so that they were converging on her sides, and with a vicious grin, the wings appeared again. Just as she prepared to launch her assault, the program shut down. She had it so that it would only stop if she gave the word or it seemed she was going to be seriously injured, which meant someone else must have ended it.

 

Her wings disappeared as the simulation slowly did. She huffed, only having worked herself up to a small pant. She pushed her hair back, upset that some of her hair just refused to stay in its bun. Then a voice came across the speaker, one that was becoming familiar all on its own. 

 

“Didn’t mean to startle ya or nothin’, jus’ figured now was a good time to ask if ya wanted to partner up on a sim.”

Logan, of course. Normally, he would have waited until she finished her own simulation before asking her to join him on one, which meant something must be off with him. She only nodded her head, wondering what he had in store for them. The man wasn’t necessarily known for his creativity beyond what he could do with his claws, so she expected a fairly simple sim, but one that would allow him to go berserk on whatever was sent his way. 

 

She began to stretch as she waited for him to load the program and enter the room. She had only seen him in his actual X-Men uniform a few times, but she was surprised to see it now. She wasn’t officially one of the X-Men yet, so she didn’t have her uniform. She hoped she was allowed to customize it herself. She was afraid they would put her in her old uniform without realizing what it would mean to her. She also hoped that this wasn’t an official sim she was about to run with him, but she had the feeling that if his uniform was out, it probably was.

 

At least it gave her something to look at while she continued to stretch. She wasn’t proud to admit it to herself, but she knew Logan was attractive. She had heard it enough from others whether they were speaking it or thinking it and she happened to pick it up. She hadn’t seen him fully let loose yet, but she wanted to. She wanted to see what the Wolverine could really be like. She only had some glimpses from his mind, and while they weren’t exactly tame, there was some sort of savage beauty to it. That thought was something she would most definitely not vocalize to anyone. It took her awhile to even admit it to herself, as first she denied it as it seemed like something that the monster she had been would say. Eventually, she accepted as it was and hid it from others.

 

“What are we in store for today Logan?” The question was pertinent enough that it didn’t seem just like small talk. As easy as it was to open up to Logan, without her old memories, she didn’t have much to talk about anymore. He knew it all, and while she listened as much as she could, he wasn’t completely open with her either. When she tried to insist that he open up to her last time, he simply put her hands on either side of his head and told her that whenever she wanted to know what was going on in there, she was allowed in. The intimacy of the invitation had made her blush and leave with the excuse of needing to wake up early.

 

“You’ll see Jeannie, jus’ close yer eyes.” 

 

It was a curt answer, and it wasn’t meant to hurt her, but it did intrigue her. She supposed with time, she would get her answer. She did as told and once it fully loaded, she was given the signal to open her eyes by Logan’s hand on her arm. The team was in the Blackbird, even Hank, although Rogue was missing. Ororo was piloting it for just a moment before it was put into autopilot and it landed, she stood up, glancing over everyone else.

 

“Listen, most of you have experienced this before. Most of you were there, but one of us wasn’t, not really. She’s earned this chance, the chance to become a part of the X-Men, a chance to redeem herself. We don’t have to like each other, but we do have to work together and have each other’s backs. Sometimes, the world depends on it, and most times, people’s lives depend on it. As always, listen to Logan and I, and keep to the plan we discussed. Jean, just listen to our orders. Everyone, roll out.”

 

Shit. Jean prayed to whatever being would listen that this wasn’t what she was beginning to think it was. She was taking her graduation test, that much was obvious now. She thought she would have more time to prepare, and that she would know what she was getting into, but she was wrong. She could hear raucous yelling outside the jet as the ramp lowered, and she could feel her heartbeat in her throat. She was nervous, she was beyond nervous if she was honest. There could be anything outside those doors, but she had to find out sooner than later.

 

Storm was the first one out, her eyes turning white as she left and a wind stirring up around her, allowing her to fly. She could hear thunder boom and lightning crash, the woman already off to a fighting start. She watched as Hank left the ramp, running on all fours before launching himself off of the room and landing with a graceful agility his mutation allowed. Kitty and Bobby were next, holding onto each other as they ran off and through the railing on the roof. Piotr’s skin took on the metal his mutation gave him as he launched himself over a railing. 

 

Before Logan left the plane, he rested a hand on her shoulder, “Listen to me Jean, if this is too much for you at any point, you say the word, okay? I’ll get them to call it quits, even if I hafta gut ‘em.”

 

She nodded, but it only raised a question in her mind. What was out there that would cause Logan to worry like this for her? She didn’t have any time to ask as his claws came out and he ran out with a roar of fury. She could hear the grind of his claws against metal, and took it as her sign to exit. With a deep breath, she took out running, and nearly lost it. She knew this island, she had seen it in her dreams, but most importantly in Logan’s memories. This was the night Logan had killed her, this was the place. Oh god.

 

She could let the sudden dread deter her though. As of later, instead of letting her telekinetics be purely invisible, she had taken a liking to letting them look as if they were fire. Something about the element called out to her. She took up into the air, letting the bird form that so easily came to her. Her arms stretched out, in turn her wings, as she soared down to her team and took up a position next to Logan in their line.

 

“You men, cover the doors,” he barked out, “Everybody get together, and hold this line!”

 

Before the team laid a sea of mutants, the Brotherhood, poised and ready to assault the building they were going to defend. There was a bridge that Magneto had used to transport his troops there, and at the top she could see him. She could also make out her old self, dressed in all red, simply staring out and watching the destruction that had only paused at their arrival. Before she could think or read much further into it, she heard Magneto bellow, “Finish them!”

 

His horde set out with a yell, and she heard Hank roar in retaliation. She crouched down, tempted to let out her own yell, but remained quiet instead. Logan cut down a lamp, the metal landing on some poor souls as he set to work. Another roar from Hank confirmed that he had engaged the enemy. Storm had taken into the air, but was brought down by another mutant. She wanted to help, but Storm shook her head at her. She knew that look, it was a look that meant she had orders she needed to follow.

 

Her gaze set out to the battlefield once more, and she finally had to take action as people started to notice and go after her. Her wing manifested once more, something she hadn’t shown the team yet, but was needed now. She swiped her arm, the closest of the enemies getting burned while the further rows were simply thrown back by her telekinesis. She knew the others were all engaged by now, as the numbers they were facing were clearly overwhelming. 

 

The next thing she took note of was the booming steps of another mutant with a weird helmet on. He easily ran through the soldiers they were trying to protect and into the building behind them. Hank shouted out, “He’s going for the boy!”

 

“Not if I get there first.” Kitty sounded out of breath, but before anyone could say much, she was off and inside the building. Jean turned her attention back to the fight before her. She still felt compelled to hold back, keeping only the one arm weaponized. If she pushed, she could put all their enemies to sleep, but she wasn’t sure how hard she’d have to push and what it would do to her. Instead, she kept lashing out with the one arm to her one side. Enemies coming at her from the other got a taste of martial art skills, something she had been developing. It helped that others knew what to do and allowed her to absorb the information from their minds.

 

She heard Logan and Hank exchanged some banter, but they were far too outnumbered to keep it up. Even with Jean helping to clear out some of their foes, she wasn’t able to keep up with the onslaught. Jean heard screaming, and looked up towards the roof in time to see someone with wings catch a man who had been thrown over the railings. She didn’t know who it was, but she was glad someone was able to save him in real life. 

 

An explosion brought her out of the thought as Logan screamed for everyone to take cover. Magneto was throwing cars while one of his cohorts, Pyro, was setting them ablaze. Jean barely managed to get behind a car, close to Storm and Logan. They were all exchanging a look, when a car got close to them. Jean pushed it off more to the side, making sure the flames wouldn’t get at them.

 

“We work as a team.” Logan gave Storm a nod.

 

She returned the nod with a bit of a smile, “Best defense is a good offense.”

 

“Bobby,” she could see he was pretending to be shaken up as Logan called out his name, which he likely was the first time, “think you can take out your old friend?”

 

Jean didn’t know exactly whom Logan was referring to, but she kept a note in the back of her mind to ask about it later. She watched him nod and run out from his cover, heading towards the bridge. A car went his way, but before she could try to help, his ice powers put it out as it landed with a thud. Logan was still directing their move, “Storm, we’re gonna need some cover.”

 

“Right.” As it always was with Jean, she was entranced as she watched Ororo’s eyes turn white as the other called upon her powers. The wind howled and mist quickly surrounded and pervaded the island. Jean could only just hear Bobby fight it out with Pyro. Piotr and Logan moved together as Hank scooped something up off of the ground. Jean kept her distance as she snuck around cover. She knew the move they were going to do, had seen it a few times in practice. Piotr was going to throw Logan, but she wasn’t quite sure at whom yet.

 

She heard Logan grunt from pain and noticed he had been directed at Magneto. She was about to scramble herself from cover to help when Hank roared and jumped behind Magneto, stabbing him with the cure. She smiled as she realized that Logan was merely the distraction. She wondered if this was one of his first times being more of a leader than when Scott had run the team when they were both alive. She slunk around another car and saw Magneto turn to her old self, calling out to her, “This is what they want for all of us.”

 

Logan must have thought that with Magneto out of the picture, the old Jean would come back. He had to as he spoke to her, “It’s over, Jean. It’s over.”

 

Maybe it would have worked, but it seemed the military was aware of what was happening and sent in reinforcements who appeared behind the other Jean, shouting at her. Her monster stemmed from her emotions, she knew that, and the team must have too. Logan shouted at them, hoping they would listen while she knew they wouldn’t, “No! Don’t shoot!”

 

The whizzing she could hear and from what she could see meant that they hadn’t, against her deepest hope. She watched her other darken in the eyes and face as she stopped the ammo mid air, dissolving it like it was nothing before turning to look at her aggressors. She lifted herself into the air, various debris following suit as Logan screamed out no. In horror, she watched as the men who had shot at her dissolved as well.

 

The monster she had been took suit in the middle of the island, causing a whirlwind of debris and destruction. Hank called for everyone to leave, and it caused a mad panic as friend and foe fled before her. Jean stayed put, watching as the rest of her team scrambled to get onto the bridge and flee too. This was her monster to face, that she knew.

 

Logan and Storm stood nearby, and Jean quickly ran over to join them. Logan looked at Storm, “I was the only who could stop her then, but you can too Jean. Storm and I will get everyone to safety. Now go. Go!”

 

Jean knew what she was in for. She relived this nearly every day, whether it was purposeful or through her nightmares. She knew the agony Logan faced when he took on the monster, but it was her turn now. This monster could still be inside of her, and this was her chance to face head on. She nodded her head and watched Storm take to the air and Logan run off. People were being lifted into the air before being turned to ash, along with other debris and the Blackbird. Soon, water from around them was being lifted straight into the air.

 

At first, all she could do was watch before she turned back to her old self. She had been standing on top of a mound of debris, the darkness overtaking her face and the fire around them seemingly showing what a monster she had truly become. Then she felt a wave of energy hit her, her winged arm coming up to defend herself against it. She was being pushed back by the other’s telekinesis, and likely she was trying to disintegrate her current self. 

 

Jean pushed back with her own telekinetics, making her way to the other on the mound with slow but steady steps. As she climbed, she felt like her energy was being drained as she tried to simply keep herself alive and intact, but she made it. She stood before herself, gazing into the dark eyes of her former self, looking directly at the monster. With a distorted voice, she heard those words from Logan’s memories, accusing her this time. “You would die for them?”

 

Jean never thought she would be here, hearing those words thrown at her. She had never stopped to think what if she had been there as she was now. She didn’t know what to say beyond what came to her mind, and what came from her heart, “Yes. I would die any day to save them from you… from me.”

 

That inner turmoil she had witnessed through memories came through as she watched her true old self push through and beg her to save her. She knew what she had to do, but her hands were shaking. Jean had never killed before, at least not in this life. She only had the faintest idea on how to go about it, but it had to be done. She raised her winged arm and slashed at the woman in front of her, watching the other fall before she fell to her knees as well. She was numb as the simulation ended and disappeared.

 

She could feel the tears in her eyes, but she saw nothing, heard nothing. The next thing she felt was Logan’s hand on her shoulder as the others shuffled out of the room as quickly as they could. It was an emotional moment, that they knew, and they didn’t want to interfere lest they suffer her wrath. Her tearful eyes gazed up into Logan’s, who was close to crying too and she could tell. He had to watch her die again, and it wasn’t his favorite memory. “Welcome to the team, kid.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hot dog! That took me a couple hours to write, but everyone’s feedback had me so happy. I’m not sure where the inspiration came from, but I’m extremely thankful! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, as it was quite an experience to write. I watched the end of the movie and thought of ways I would include Jean without much interference. Hopefully no one sees it as me just retelling the ending as I did change what occurred at the end. I’m thinking the next chapter will be little stories of how Jean becomes friends with the others again. I’ve also taken out Kurt from the story as he was just another character in a list that I didn’t have muse for. According to my original outline, we’re still two major events away from the ending of the story and we still need to develop some more romantic tension between Logan and Jean as it’s mostly platonic right now. As always, I hoped you enjoyed and feedback is always appreciated!!!


	9. Chapter 9

Hank had sent for Jean to come down to the subbasement, claiming he had a surprise for her. It had only been a couple of days since her test, but she had spent both of them in isolated meditation and self reflection. She smiled softly, wondering if the gesture from the blue man meant he accepted her as she was now. A clawed hand herded her towards the room the costumes were kept in, a section unlit, clearly meant for the reveal of her area.

 

“I hope you don't mind Jean, but I took the liberty of designing you a new costume. After your graduation test I understand you've taken up a special codename up as well. I think this should suit it all just well. Welcome to the X-Men, Phoenix.”

 

Hank flipped a light switch on to reveal her costume. It was in the traditional black fabric they all had now, the trimmings were in an emerald hue but the various Xs were in a golden color. She had a cape similar to Ororo's but instead of the silver, it was the same gold as before. A grin spread across her features and tears sprang to her eyes. “It's beautiful Hank, thank you so much.”

 

“You may not be my old friend anymore Jean, but you will always be my friend. I want you to understand that,” Hank put up a paw to stop Jean from interrupting, “No matter the choice you make about your memories, I will always be here for you. I'm sorry about any pressure I may have put on you about it. I suppose I was just eager to have a close friend back, but I finally realized I could make a new close friend. That is, if you can forgive me.”

 

She nodded her head as she encased her arms around Hank, tears springing to her eyes from joy. “Hank,” she glanced up into his eyes, “if you wanted, I could show you what's going on in my head. I can show you  _ why  _ I'm so afraid.”

 

Hank had returned her hug until her offer, to which he reacted by pulling away. His eyes were searching hers, and she could feel his surprise and curiosity roll off of him in waves. She simply nodded her head again, slowly. “Its okay,” she chuckled, “I'll be gentle.”

 

He joined her laughter before sitting down, “If that's what you wish, then so it shall be.”

 

She stood in front of him, her hands just on either side of his head without touching him. Her fingers were moving independently and minutely as she entered her mind. She was weaving through his thoughts as she settled them down, bringing them both to a relatively calm state of mind. It was easier to exchange information this way, whether he wanted to show her something or she wanted to. Either party only had to think hard on it.

 

In an instant Jean poured everything into Hank. Her thoughts and fears on people thinking she'd turn into a monster again, and her own fear that if she didn't maintain her distance with people until she learned to control her own powers, made it over as well. She showed him her true efforts to ensure no one would ever have to worry about it, all her training, her constant meditations, her counseling with Charles. Nothing was left secret save for one thing, something she was trying to hide from herself as well; her inexplicable desire for Logan. He didn't take up her thoughts, they were overwhelmed with her goal, but he was inextricably a part of that drive. If she couldn't control herself, if she lost herself to that  _ thing  _ again, she'd never forgive herself because it meant he would have to go through it all again.

 

Hank's warm hands dwarfed hers as they wrapped around them. He brought their joined hands between them, his head hanging as he gazed at them. It seemed he couldn't look her in the eyes quite yet. There was a small shake to his body as well as he sighed, and she wondered if she overdid it, if she should have held back or done it slower. A clawed thumb gently caressed the skin on the back of her hand and it brought her enough comfort to stop analyzing.

 

“Jean, I'm sorry I added to your burdens. In my desire to have things return to normal, I never stopped to think about your feelings. I suppose to you, the Jean I knew was just a woman, one we've seemed to put on a pedestal. You have my sincerest apologies. I don't want you to become  _ her  _ as well. You have to realize though, not everyone will understand that and most will choose not to. They've only ever known one Jean: a put together woman who mentored them until a tragic accident took her away. Please, be patient with them, as you have with me, and know that I will always be here for you if you need me. I won't leave your side, not again.”

 

“Hank,” she could feel tears start to form in her eyes and decided to hide them by hugging the furry man tightly, “thank you.”

 

“Why don't we head upstairs before you bring an old man to tears, huh?”

 

“Agreed. I think enough tears have been shed.” She chuckled and sniffled while she used a hand to wipe at her eyes quickly. Hank was the first to rise and offered a hand to her, which she accepted with a smile. They entered the elevator to return to the rest of the mansion, idly chatting. Once they got close to stopping at the main floor, she felt a familiar mental presence reaching out for her. Logan must have been looking for her again. Every time he did, it was like his mind would shout her name out. Maybe he knew what he was doing when he projected like that, but in their conversations so far she deemed it unlikely.

 

The doors opened just as Hank finished his excited rant about his latest experiment down in the lab, only to reveal Logan. She wasn't surprised and figured he was following her scent trail. He seemed off, however, and it worried her. His stance was all wrong and seemed closed off. Hank said his goodbyes to them before wandering away, and she wondered if the feral in him knew what was going on with Logan. “Jean,” her time to ponder was now cut short, “you mind walking around with me for a little while?”

 

There was a pitch in his voice that alerted her that it was a plea. Something was wrong, and she tensed up before exiting the elevator. She needed him to calm down before she began to worry further. She gently rested a hand on his shoulder and she could feel him leaning into it, practically melting to her touch. She longed to bring him more comfort, but her fear outweighed her desires currently. “Want to talk about it out there?”

 

A silent nod and they set out, side by side, heading towards a tree that they would occasionally idle at during their few walks together. At least her worry would soon subside once they could talk. Even if he didn't tell her everything, she knew Logan would tell her enough so she could find a way to bring him some comfort. He typically sought her out just for that reason alone. “Logan,” a quick check let her know that there wasn't any around, “please tell me what's wrong.”

 

“Jeannie, I'm so sorry for your test. It's just we have to do something personal for everyone, and… Look, I feel terrible I put you through that but I wanted to say I'm so proud. You did amazing, you really did. I've never seen the old you use your powers like that, never dreamt you could. You've come so far kid. You deserved to know how proud I am. Not just me either, but Chuck and ‘Ro, they are too. Just let me know what I gotta do to make it up to you, and I'll do it, no questions asked. Anything, something, please.”

 

Logan was desperate for her forgiveness, which surprised her that he didn't realize he already had it, without question. She felt warmer today, and for once, she wasn't actively thinking of how to repel others away or avoid them. Her worries and fears still existed, but maybe it was time to let a few others closer to her. Her arms wrapped around him in a tight hug, and while she could sense his surprise, he was quick to return it. She let her nose settle into the crook of his neck and shoulder as she giggled softly, “You were already forgiven. I could never stay mad at you, ever.”

 

She knew she was letting the hug last longer than necessary, but something about it felt right. She felt like she belonged in these arms, and she felt safe. There was nothing but each other, if only for a moment. One of his hands threaded through her hair, a thumb resting on her cheek as she pulled back enough to gaze at him. She could see the fire in his eyes, waves of it were sent her way, a longing for more than just a hug. She wasn't sure who acted first, but their lips touched and the fire seeped into her veins and traveled to her heart. She was burning for more.

 

She couldn't. She pulled away and it hurt her to. Her gaze left his lips and traveled to her feet. “Logan, I'm sorry. It's not time. I'm not ready. It's not fair of me to ask you to wait, but if you do, I'll give my everything when the moment is right.”

 

Before he could say something to stop her, she left. It was the hardest thing she had done yet. She wanted nothing more than to live in that moment and treasure it for all she had. His lips felt like perfection, as if they had been molded to fit hers. She had a responsibility though. She couldn't break his heart any more. She needed to get her act together, before he moved on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and I'm sorry for the delay in this chapter. A lot has been happening to me personally, and so far most of it has worked out in my favor thankfully. I appreciate everyone's feedback and I hope you liked this chapter. I've been wanting to touch on the chemistry the two have and developing their relationship just a bit more. There is still a lot left that I have planned for the series as we still need to go through some of the other members of the team and let them have their conflict and resolution with Jean. I'm excited for the rest of the story and wanted to let you know that if you'd like to request something out of this story or request something like a one shot from this particular story's universe, let me know!


	10. Chapter 10

Jean wasn’t sure if she was ever going to forgive herself for screwing up so much. She knew she should have never let that kiss happen. After seeing the kiss her original self never should have given him, she should have known that she would just hurt him again. She felt terrible. He was a man who seemed to only go for her since he had been here, and at every turn she would cave in for a beautiful moment before rebuking him. She couldn’t say she didn’t deserve it. Any past karma she had was likely catching up to her.

 

She could barely look Logan in the eyes as it was, now she was hopeless throughout her day. He still projected when he searched for her, which made it easier to avoid his presence, but it almost made it more obvious. He could smell her out, and she could feel his mind. It was a dance around each other, and over the course of a few weeks, it was one they had mastered.

 

She was glad that although she had graduated, she was not yet field approved for missions with the team. It meant that she only had to suffer through awkward and tense training where they were able to manage talking to each other. For her, she felt she was maintaining a professional atmosphere, but as the weeks progressed, each training session grew more and more tense between her teammates. Her personal situation was bleeding into their exercises and she was debating on asking for a reprieve from them. 

 

She was still undecided because she didn’t want to run away from the situation. She simply wanted to have distance between her and Logan. If she let him stay close, she felt she would give into temptation once again. Yet, it wasn’t quite that simple as she hadn’t even talked to him outside of a professional setting. Perhaps it was time, time to explain herself and agree on some sort of temporary solution for the two. She missed her best friend, and she wanted to have a better relationship with her teammates. Maybe clearing the air with Logan would help her goal.

 

One afternoon, when she knew Logan was going to have a break between his classes, she set out for his classroom. Unfortunately, she wasn’t the only one who had the idea. She was in the hallway, approaching his room when she heard him speaking to someone else. She couldn’t make out the words just yet, but once the other spoke, she identified them as Rogue. She wondered what they were talking about, but didn’t think much of it. They always had a close relationship, and it was endearing to her. Up until she started being able to listen in on their conversation.

 

“Why Logan? Why is it always her? How many times does she have to reject you before you get it?”

 

“It ain’t like that Rogue, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Things are just complicated right now.”

 

“Complicated? She’s single this time, and she  _ still  _ rejected you. She hasn’t talked to you once outside of the team in weeks! If she wanted to talk to you, she would. You and I both know that. When are you gonna wake up?”

 

“Wake up? Me wake up? I don’t think you’re one to talk about that.”

 

“Bobby and I wanted different things. I made a decision for myself, even though I knew what he wanted. It was the right decision too, even if it wasn’t permanent.”

 

“Yeah, but we found out it wasn’t permanent by you sending Kitty into a small coma during training.”

 

“We were sparring and she touched my arm. I didn’t know that the cure wore off. How would I have known? I still didn’t touch people, and now I still don’t touch people. I missed out, and you don’t understand how much I regret it every day.”

 

“There wasn’t anything wrong with you in the first place. You just gotta be more careful than some people. You ain’t the only one.”

 

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You can still kiss someone without giving them a seizure!”

 

“No, I don’t give them a seizure, but if I share a bed they turn into a shish kabob.”

 

“Yeah, and guess what, I’m the only one who survived that and that was just me walking into your room, and I’ll probably be the only one to. I don’t understand why you won’t just give us a chance!”

 

“Rogue,” Logan’s tone had softened and lowered, “you know how I feel. I care for you, I really do, but not in that way. There's no us. It’s not because I’m in love with someone else. It’s because I love you as a friend, and only as a friend. That’s not going to change, even if you’re an adult now. I thought we’ve been over this. I thought we were done with this. I don’t want to hurt you and I want to be your friend, but you’re making this hard. Don’t make me do something I’ll regret.”

 

“Like what Logan? Push me away? You won’t push me away because if you do, I’ll be like everyone else you’ve pushed away. You don’t have a lot of people left to push away either. And knowing you, once you’ve finished pushing everyone away, you’ll just run away again. How many more times can you leave before we don’t want you back? I bet it’s not a lot left.”

 

“Rogue, stop it. Just do us both a favor and leave, or I will. I’m not doing this with you.”

 

“Why? Is it because I’m not Jean? I’ll never be Jean, but she’s never going to want to be with you. If she doesn’t want you now, what makes you think she’ll change her mind?”

 

She heard Logan’s footfalls head towards the door of her classroom, and she froze. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she had gotten sucked in by the conversation. She had begun to connect a lot of dots, and it was making more and more sense. No wonder Rogue had always been rather distant and interacted with her as little as she could. She was jealous. 

 

Logan exited the room, quirking an eyebrow at Jean once he noticed her. He just shook his head with a huff and walked past her. She turned around, her hand reaching out for him too late as words refused to escape her mouth. Her opportunity had passed, but she knew she would have another one soon enough. It was the next set of footsteps that truly had her on edge as she heard them halt. Turning around, it confirmed her suspicion that it was indeed Rogue. “Hi Rogue.”

 

“Jean. Do I wanna know how much of that you heard?” Rogue’s eyes narrowed at Jean as the woman crossed her arms, and she felt herself flush with a tinge of embarrassment. She truly hadn’t meant to listen in, but her curiosity had gotten the better of her. She had been avoiding a lot of people lately, and she was tired of it. Maybe it was time to have a conversation between her and Rogue at least. Maybe they could come to an understanding. That, or she would only worsen the situation, but she needed a change. She was tired of the woman in front of her being cold.

 

“Enough to know we should talk.” She did her best to keep her voice calm and even, and with all of her practice, she thought she did it successfully. The brunette tilted her head, analyzing Jean before sighing and letting her arms move back to her sides. With a quick gesture to Logan’s classroom, it seemed she accepted the challenge. Hopefully, Jean wouldn’t lose her nerve.

 

“Rogue, I'm not--”

 

“Just tell me what you want from Logan, and maybe I'll listen to what you have to say.”

 

She was straight to the point, Jean would give her that. She hadn't quite thought about what she truly wanted from Logan, but she had made a decision once she had first arrived that she had stuck to this whole time. It wasn't one that would fall to the wayside either, not if Jean could help it. 

 

“I want to try, but I need to know I'm in control. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I don't want to put him through it again. I don't want him to have to kill me again, because I'm not sure he could if he had to. I'm sorry I've hurt him as much as I already have, but if it means sparing him that, I would do it again.”

 

Rogue sat down at one of the desks, listening to Jean's words before there was a pause while she thought of her own response. “You weren't there, either time he grieved for you. I've never seen anyone so… so broken. He left a couple times, one time it was for so long we didn't think he was coming back. But he did. He did and he came back as the man he is today. He got over you. Then, out of nowhere, you're here again. I thought the shadow of you was done hanging over him, but it doesn't look like it anymore. The worst part is, he's drawn to you, and I think you're drawn to him too. I know what it's like, because I am too. 

 

“I've tried so hard and for so long to get through his walls. For you though, it's like they aren't even there. He just lets you in and I have to watch him get hurt every time. I'm tired of it Jean. I get it. I get wanting control, I do. I work at it every day. But do us all a favor, and stay away from him until you get your shit together. I'm done watching him get hurt because of you.”

 

“You're right,” Jean sat at a desk next to hers, “I wasn't there. I don't know what he was like grieving for me. I know what he's told me, what he's shown me, but there's something you're wrong about. He still has walls, so many of them. I think I've just gotten the farthest through them. I don't want to hurt him anymore, but I am going to talk to him and figure something out. I'm tired of how everything is. I'm tired of being outcasted and distanced from everyone. Some of it is my fault, as I'm just trying not to hurt anyone, but some people seem to barely tolerate me. To me, I think you're one. Please, tell me if I'm wrong.”

 

“I… I wish I could. I guess I've been wrapped up in everything. It was hard seeing Bobby and Kitty together. While I feel like I've got that out of my system, you and him brings it out again. I'll do what I can about it, okay? But I do gotta ask, if you've got any tips to help me and my powers, please let me know. You're not the only one who feels that way because of what you can do. You're not alone, none of us are. That's the beauty of where we're at. Now, as much as I love emotions,” Rogue made a motion like she was going to throw up before standing up, “Logan's next class starts in fifteen and I'm sure he doesn't want to see either of us right now.”

 

“Right,” Jean began to head out of the classroom before pausing at the door, “See you at training.”

 

“Yeah. Oh, one more thing, good luck Jean, and if you break his heart, I'll kill you.” The two exchanged a glance before they both laughed. As much as it was a joke, she knew there was a real threat in there. Rogue had enough seeing Logan sad, and Jean would feel the same in her place. She could only hope that they would finally start to warm up to each other. She also hoped her talk with Logan would go as well as this one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hey, it looks like I was motivated to write another chapter. Woohoo! I hope Rogue didn’t seem out of character. I haven’t watched the movies too recently, nor have I written Rogue in quite a while. I like to imagine her as like a mini Southern Logan after X1. I mean she did start dressing edgier and it’s a thing for her to absorb parts of people’s personalities. I’m not sure if this conversation will truly mend the rift between her and Rogue, as there is a lot of latent jealousy that I feel Rogue is harboring. However, I do think that this is a jumping board of respect between the two. Thinking about it, it’s like Rogue is Logan, Jean is Scott, and Logan is Jean. What a role reversal! XD Any feedback is welcome, I hope you’re all enjoying, and if you’d like to leave a recommendation for something you’d like to see in the story or request something for a oneshot from the story, feel free!


	11. Chapter 11

Jean had to admit that although progress was slow between her and Rogue, over the past week or so, it had improved. They interacted with each other a little more, and Rogue was at the very least, not participating in Bobby’s and Kitty’s whispered insults. Jean, however, was beginning to wonder what she had done to earn the couple’s wrath. From her arrival, they had both been cold but it was starting to climb to new heights with their barely concealed gossip about her. It was exhausting to have two of her teammates constantly criticizing her and judging her every action as if they truly knew her.

 

She didn’t have time to think too much about it as the team was running through another simulation. It was the last in a small series to ensure the team had a good enough dynamic to approve of Jean going into the field with them. Yes, she had graduated, but an X-Man was nothing without their team. Or that’s what Jean was trying to remind herself of as she shivered and watched her breath visibly form in front of her. She wasn’t sure why having the simulation set in the winter had to do with team building, but it was beyond her control.

 

“Can someone remind me why I’m not on the recon team? I feel like telepathy would be pretty useful.” Jean wasn’t one to necessarily complain, but being in a heated building was looking far more appealing than in the woods with Piotr, Bobby, and Ororo. She sat herself down beside a small fire that Piotr had made in the small clearing where they were at. It was safe enough to do as they were out of the surveillance area of said building.

 

“Well, Shadowcat’s powers work wonderfully for recon, and therefore Rogue’s does as well. Additionally, she has been training with Beast to retrieve information from various technology during his absence in these missions. Wolverine’s just there to make sure they don’t take each other out.” Ororo chuckled at her small joke, as the two woman may get along during missions with the rest of the team, but left with each other, it was a different story. Jean had more of an idea on the reasoning behind it now after what she had overheard between Rogue and Logan. If someone had to be the babysitting for powered individuals, she did feel Logan was one of the better choices as he wouldn’t tolerate bullshit. “It’s mostly just because we want the recon team to be as small as possible, and so far those three are our most efficient ones. Ideally, we would want Beast and Shadowcat, but Beast is usually our best option to leave at home for defense. We can always reach him with our communications, but people have taken advantage of us being out of town before.”

 

“Don’t remind me, my parents still won’t talk to me.” Bobby said with a sigh as he idly played with the snow. She knew he wasn’t always patient, but she was just as bored as he was. The recon team tried to keep as radio silent as possible, mostly out of precaution if the enemy had technology to overhear their frequencies. 

 

Her boredom didn’t last too much longer though, as she heard Logan’s familiar voice give the all clear while Ororo sent coordinates for their rendezvous. Soon enough, she heard the familiar feminine voices of the other members of the recon team, but her mind picked up that it involved her before she heard Rogue flatly tell Kitty to take her opinions and shove them in a rather peculiar place. She saw Rogue first, giving Kitty a dirty look as the other brunette made her way to Bobby, immediately beginning their consistent whispering. Jean only shook her head as she watched Logan and Ororo talk amongst themselves, devising a plan of action.

 

“Okay, it’s just as we thought,” Logan began, “they are holding mutants there. A lot of them actually, and all sorts of ages. We saw a few entries as young as six and a couple entries in the twenties. There’s a larger holding block, and a smaller one, but only the two. We’ve checked out the security and it seems like it’s relatively low. My guess is they expect the weather to do most of the work taking away hope of escape. We should be able to handle it, but don’t be surprised if backup arrives.”

 

“Wolverine, Rogue, and I will be heading to the smaller cell block. It’s holding most of the feral mutants, and we’re hoping he’ll will be able to convince them we’re safe enough to follow if they’ve regressed too far. Which means Iceman, Colossus, Shadowcat, and Phoenix will be heading for the larger cell. There will be more guards, but they’ll be spaced farther apart. Try to keep your presence hidden for as long as possible. Shadowcat’s already picked up on the routes they follow, so she’ll be taking point. Our meet point is the jet. Try to keep your rescues in one group so we don’t get spread too thin. Any questions can be relayed over our comms, Rogue has made sure our channel would be safe.” 

 

Ororo made a tiny drawing in the snow with a stick to help illustrate her point before covering it up. With a minute nod to Bobby, he put out the fire and with a flash of her eyes, the wind swept away its remnants. Jean wasn’t thrilled to be on a team with both Bobby and Kitty, and wasn’t sure where she even stood with Piotr. It could make for a lousy night, but the objective was important, even if it wasn’t real. The scenario might be made up, but they had it prepared because it wasn’t out of the question as something they would do. It made her heart hurt.

 

Their entrance in wasn’t difficult due to Kitty’s powers and memory of the layout. She was able to get them to the block rather quickly with a few well placed shortcuts through other rooms. Guards were approaching though, and Kitty had elected Jean to dispatch of them quickly. The first guard was easy enough with just a simple suggestion to sleep and forget the night’s events, but she felt the presence of a second guard approaching and wouldn’t have time to move the first guard out of sight. With a glance over her shoulder at the team, she saw the look in Kitty’s eyes which gave away the fact that she had tried to plan this. 

 

With a roll of her eyes, Jean rounded the corner and slammed the guard’s head against the wall telekinetically, bringing the body to her to join the other. She quirked an eyebrow at Kitty, wondering how the woman thought such a simple thing would throw her off of her game. The brunette didn’t seem so amused anymore as she grabbed each of the guards by one of their ankles and brought them into the room they had cut through to get to the block. 

 

Freeing the various prisoners was easy, and it gave Jean an unsettling feeling sitting at the base of her skull. Their locks on the cells was easy to get rid of, but there were power-dampening cuffs attached to each prisoner. Bobby was able to freeze the locks while Piotr transformed and ripped them off. Then Kitty would slip the prisoners out of the cuffs with her powers while Jean directed them to wait in a particular part. That feeling in her head escalated just before alarms began to blare and lights began to whir.

 

They were fortunate enough to have just gotten the last of the prisoners in their group together before doors began to slam down and lock. Some of their rescues had useful powers that allowed them to melt the keypads to the security doors. The malfunctions caused by it opened the door to allow them into their escape route. Kitty alerted them there would only be one more security door before the main doors, but Jean was scarcely paying attention. She was scanning their surroundings to pick up on any guards coming their way. From what she could pick up, they were converging onto the other block. Perhaps the other team had set off the alarms.

 

Their paths were about to merge with all the guards heading to the other block though, once they got past the last security door. Jean made sure to give Kitty a heads up before relaying to the other team that they were about to become a distraction to all the forces heading their way.

 

“Thanks Red, you really do know what to get a guy.” Logan grumbled before she heard a gurgling noise.

 

“Make sure you take care of your objective first before you try to aid us.” Ororo cautiously reminded while Kitty gathered the team around her.

 

“Iceman, I want you at the back end taking the heat off of Phoenix and I at the front. We’re going to lead the way to the jet since you guys have more spread coverage. Colossus, I need you floating around in the middle to help either side with any oncoming aggressors. We’ll need to get any of the fighting capable prisoners to be on the outside edges of the group to help protect the weaker ones. Any questions?” Jean had to admit that she could respect Kitty’s ability to think and formulate under pressure. She hoped with time that she could do so too. Right now, she knew she had to step up her game. After her graduation, she was gradually adding her powers more into the mix, but it had been slow. If Bobby and Kitty wanted her to use her powers more, they were going to get it.

 

“Put me at the back. It’ll be better if he’s outside first, more for him to use. Plus, I’ll be able to provide more spread coverage for the back half anyways. I’ve got this, trust me.”

 

Kitty was hesitant, she could tell by the way she opened and closed her mouth. With a silent conversation between Bobby and Kitty, she nodded her assent. “Fine, but if we get in trouble for this, it’s your ass.”

 

Jean simply nodded. She was willing to take on the responsibility. She was ready, she could feel herself itching for something more. She needed to prove she was capable of being out there with them, that they could trust her, and that she wasn’t a hindrance with her powers. After Kitty instructed the prisoners to form a large group, they made it through the last security door.

 

She wasn’t ready for the onslaught of surprise she got from the guards, but it was too late. Bobby and Kitty were breaking through the numbers as the other mutants joined in. Their exit was secured with a quick breakaway from Kitty, the doors opening outside while more sirens blared in. Jean finally made it out into the entrance hallway to be greeted by the sounds of gunfire in the distance and raucous yelling close by. Their foes that had been in their immediate area had been taken care of already, but she knew they had the guards’ attention now. It was just a matter of time before she would be put into play.

 

With a probe, she knew that most of the guards had made their way to the other group. They were the higher priority, which made her curious about the nature of this base. Some guards would be falling back to try to stop their group, but since they already began to pour outside, it was too little too late. On her particular’s team frequency, Jean called out, “Shadowcat, are you and Iceman close to the jet yet?”

 

“Copy that. It’s in view, probably about 50 yards out. What’s your status Colossus?”

 

“Majority of our group is already out and heading your way fast. I’m towards the back to help cover for any guards that might approach. I can see Phoenix is at the doorway to hold them back.”

 

“The other team is going to need our help, permission to stay behind and provide it?”

 

“Permission granted Phoenix. Colossus, I want you to make your way back there too. We didn’t deal with too many guards on our way out, so they’ve probably already made their way back to Ororo. Any confirmation Phoenix?”

 

“Verified. They’re mostly back there, but there will be a splinter cell coming back to try to stop us.”

 

“10-4. Colossus, you know what to do. We’lll get everyone in and prepared for takeoff. Over and out.”

 

She wasn’t surprised Piotr was getting assigned to basically babysit her, but depending on heavy the backup that had been set out was, she might just need it. With a glance over her shoulder she confirmed the metal titan was making his way to her. Switching over to the main frequency, she hoped to get a status update of her other teammates. “Storm, Wolverine, Rogue. Anyone got a status report?”

 

“A little busy back here Phoenix. I thought you said you guys were providing a distraction,” Rogue responded, “Doesn’t seem like we got a lighter load.”

 

“Your group is their main target. Our group is already almost to the jet. Shadowcat and Iceman are preparing for takeoff. Colossus and I will be at the exit to provide assistance. Are you pinned down? We can come in further if you need it.”

 

“Negative,” Logan’s gruff voice seemed strained, he was probably in the middle of a fight, “We’ll manage to punch a hole and make our way to you. Just prepare for a lot of heat coming your way.”

 

“Affirmative.” She took a deep breath and rolled her shoulders, smirking softly at Piotr as he caught up to her side with a nod. She was looking forward to letting herself go again, as she had at her graduation. It felt great to just surrender a bit of her overcompensation for control. The simulation wasn’t real enemies, which meant if she was a little too violent, she’d be fine. She still did her best to show restraint at all times, but if she were to slip, here was the best place.

 

She felt and heard the armed men approach before she saw them, but sure enough, Logan was true to his word. She watched him use his claws to get through the immediate person in front of him, and she could tell that the beast was out. She could feel it just as well with a simple brush of his mind. His mind was far more animalistic, thoughts being repeated of  _ protect family, save family, kill others _ . She didn’t expect his next thoughts though once he had sensed her mental presence;  _ found mate, protect mate _ . A small blush broke out on her cheeks and she used the frustration of embarrassment as a tool.

 

It started simply. She used her telekinesis and reached out with her arms straight out in front of her before moving them to reach out on each side. It parted the sea of guards to help the group make it outside. She may have been able to smush them together, but she wasn’t able to keep them completely still. The other team’s rescues were slashing at the guards while they were vulnerable until Logan howled, signaling for them to get a move on. Piotr stood in front of her to provide her protection once he saw the guards raise their guns.

 

Ororo and Logan were leading these prisoners, and Ororo mentioned Rogue was at the back. It meant when Rogue made it past her and Piotr, it was time to retreat. The closer Logan got, the more she could feel his bloodthirst wafting off of him in waves. It made the idea of being more fatal appealing, but she repelled the thought as she listened to bullets simply bounce off of Piotr in front of her. She sent a mental thanks so he would know the coverage wasn’t unappreciated.

 

Once she saw the streak of white bounce past her as Rogue sprinted to safety, she pushed the bodies with all the telekinetic might she could muster. She heard Piotr’s feet pick up and knew that while he had more defenses, he would be more vulnerable than her if she didn’t remain at the very back of their group. With one arm up, she created a barrier of psychic energy which caused the bullets to simply bounce off of it. With her other arm, she began to pick up individual guards and throw them around at the others and the walls. All the while, she was trying to run to catch up with her team yet keep her attention on the swarm of guards. She saw some of them disappear into other rooms and wondered if they were retreating as she made it out into the open. She was sorely wrong as she heard a mechanical whirring spring to life. 

 

The guards began to drift away, but they were shortly replaced by small tanks revving their way towards her team from two other entrances. She sent out a mental signal to all about the new development and Piotr shouted back that he was coming back to help her. He was built to take on tanks anyways, as he was like a one man tank. The plan was to get everyone but the two of them into the jet and make a midair pickup with her telekinesis to get them off the ground. It wasn’t a great plan, but it was the best they could do in such little time.

 

Between her and Piotr, the tanks coming their way were short work. Jean had to ditch the crutch of using her arm for a barrier however, and it was straining her more. She couldn’t let the barrier down, but she needed both her arms to target more tanks. She would grab a tank and crumple it up, tossing it at another. Meanwhile, Piotr would run at a tank and begin punching at it, denting it. He picked up one tank and threw it at another. For one, he ripped the metal open and got at the people inside, tossing them out. Their ride was arriving though, she could hear it over the large shells being shot from some tanks and the machine guns from the others. She needed the break, she was running out of energy and quickly.

 

“Colossus, come on! Our ride’s here!” Jean ran over to Piotr and grabbed him with her hand. She dropped the tanks she had been handling to use her other hand to reach up for the jet. She was too exhausted to do it without gestures. As they landed on the open ramp, she pushed him towards the others to use both of her hands to quickly stop one of the shells that had been fired at them. She simply dropped it onto the ground below while the ramp closed. 

 

As she made way to her seat, there was a nagging feeling in her mind. “Rogue, did you check to see if they have rockets or missiles?”

 

“I couldn’t get into their files to--”

 

“Storm, evasive action, now! Everyone strap in! Open the ramp again.” Jean could feel something approaching with her powers, and she wasn’t sure if she had the energy to stop it. She grabbed onto a strap by the ramp, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to just use her telekinesis to keep herself stable if something was coming at them. “Piotr, be prepared to grab me.”

 

After an affirmative nod was sent her way, she scoured the ground below her. Her eyes picked up that a couple of tanks were still functional, and she could see people running around. At this height though, they looked like ants and she couldn’t make anything out for their weapons. Then she noticed it. A missile heading their way, thought she had no idea where it was shot from.

 

Beeping began at the cockpit and she heard Ororo call out to hold onto something as the jet rolled to one side. The missile hit a tree, but she could feel that it wasn’t over. As soon as the beeping stopped from the first missile, it began anew. Another roll was performed, but Jean could tell it wasn’t going to work. Her free hand reached out, “Storm, don’t move the jet.”

 

“Phoenix?”

 

“Trust me.” Jean could feel the missile coming towards them, but she wouldn’t let it hit them, not if she could help it. It didn’t take long to pinpoint the missile, and as they got farther away, she doubted more would come. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for just a moment. When they opened, she could feel a fire in her veins, settling in her eyes. Her thoughts weren’t on her body, or the jet, or the people inside. It was purely on the missile, searching for the warhead. Once she found it, she set to work, willing it to explode.

 

As soon as she did, she felt Piotr’s arm grab onto her as her own hands moved to her sides. She had spent too much energy to even keep herself upright. The ramp closed as Storm guided them into autopilot, which signaled the simulation to shut itself down. As everything disappeared, Piotr returned to normal, but kept his hold on Jean. He put her arm around his shoulders as he kept her upright. Together, they slowly exited the room to gather for a debrief. He guided her to a chair, and the moment she heard Bobby and Kitty giggle after whispering, she felt that fire again.

 

Except it wasn’t originating from her. It was coming from Piotr, a man normally as cool and collected as they came. “When will you two grow up? If that had been a real mission, she would have just saved all our lives. Maybe you need to start being more concerned about your own actions than hers. We might live in a school but we’re all adults now. It’s time you started acting like it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just realized from my original outline, that we’re almost at the climax of the story! Never thought we’d get here so soon, which is saying something considering I started this story forever ago. I’m actually really excited to get the story fully realized. Once I do, I think I’ll be going through each individual chapter and editing any typos and such (which happens when you don’t have a beta reader lol). I also want to apologize if any of this seemed particularly boring as I don’t usually write action sequences (which I would categorize this as).
> 
> I did recently turn this work into a series as I will be fulfilling prompts for this particular story’s universe. I’m also debating on whether I want to continue with a sequel or not, as I don’t have a particular story in mind if it were to continue. I also want to forewarn anyone that I’m not sure if I’ll be writing any smut in this particular work. I am not the greatest at it, and I do feel that (at this current time) it would be spoiling any of the romance between Jean and Logan. However, I may do so as a oneshot or write it in the possible sequel. 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for your feedback, I hope you’re enjoying the story, and if you have any requests for a oneshot in this story’s universe, please feel free to leave it in a comment!


	12. Chapter 12

Jean wouldn't lie, she thoroughly enjoyed Bobby and Kitty's mutual stunned silence. Perhaps it was because it was coming from Piotr unprompted that shocked them, or maybe it was the truth in his words. If she hadn't been there during the simulation, it would have turned out far different than it had. She was more grateful that their silence lasted through the debrief and when it was over, she had enough energy to walk by herself to her room. She was looking forward to a nice hot shower and hopefully a good night's sleep.

 

That had been a pipe dream. She had decent sleep until images of a laboratory flooded into her mind along with the overwhelming sensation of fear. As fast as the images went, she recognized some of them, enough to know whose dreams had sucked her in. She felt awful that Logan still had these nightmares, but the recognition allowed her to wake herself. Knowing the pain he was going through in his dream state from what she had just experienced, she felt compelled to wake him up.

 

Throwing on a robe to keep her warm as she got out from underneath her covers, she made her way to Logan's room. She rapped on the door quietly, but unsurprisingly received no reply. He was likely deep in sleep, too deep to wake up from just a knock. She opened the door just enough to squeeze herself through before shutting it quietly behind her. She didn't want anyone to get any ideas if they openly saw her in here. She padded up to the side of his bed, listening to him groan and grumble as he began to toss and turn.

 

“Logan. Wake up, Logan.” She reached out to push his shoulder, which had been a horrible idea. As soon as their skin made contact, he sprang up in his bed, growling. His arms grabbed her and dragged her into a chokehold. The thought of it reminded her of his memory of when he first met her. She coughed a couple times, trying to sputter out his name. Once she made noise, he glanced down at her and she could see the Logan she knew return as he let his grip go. 

 

He held his head in his hands, murmuring no as he shook his head. She took a few deep breaths, grateful to be able to breathe again, and sat down beside him. She used the situation at hand to give herself the liberty to rest her head on his shoulder. His guilt seeped out in a steady wave, but she quieted it down in his mind before speaking. “It's okay, you didn't really hurt me. You were having a terrible nightmare. Bad enough to drag me in. I figured out it was you and not me, so I came to wake you up. It's okay.”

 

“Jeannie, it's not okay. You were just a chokehold. Rogue did it and got stabbed. Anyone else does it and they get stabbed. I just… I don't get it. I just can't hurt you.” She was confused by how not hurting her was worse, but the whine in his tone made her heart ache. She reached for one of his hands and enveloped it between both of hers. She would never say it, but she could swear she felt the shake of a sob come from him.

 

“I think I know. You went wild at the sim today, and I heard your thoughts. Whatever that side of you is, it knows me. It knows not to hurt me. It also wants to protect everyone here. So please, stop worrying, if only for tonight. I don't think I could sleep knowing you're beating yourself up.”

 

“Jean… I ain't got no right to ask this, but could you… Could you stay? Just until I fall asleep. Maybe use your mind to quiet mine.” 

 

“Yeah, I can do that Logan. It's not a problem.”

 

“By the way, you did good today. They'll tell you tomorrow, but you're field approved. Next mission, they're taking you.”

 

“I'm not sure--”

 

“Nonsense. You earned it, trust me.”

 

“I do. Now lay down.” She knew she wasn't going to win that particular battle. He might not realize it or admit it, but she could tell she was held on a pedestal. She wished she deserved to be there instead of it being hopeful wishing on his part. She moved to the empty side of his bed, sitting up as he laid down. One of her hands kept ahold of his as his eyes closed. 

 

She eased his mind into slumber before lacing the ideas of peaceful dreaming through his head. Images of a beach and the sounds of the ocean. It was almost so vivid she could see herself there. It didn't actually look like her though, there was something off about the figure she thought to be her. She was older and it was beckoning to her, arms outstretched to guide her close. The mouth was forming her name. 

 

She heard the screech of an alarm she thought was hers, but when she attempted to reach over, her arm was weighed down. She opened her eyes to see she was still in Logan's room, which immediately caused her to bolt out of the bed. She must have fallen asleep while getting him to. She had already pushed it with her powers yesterday and probably passed out while she was using them last night. 

 

Hairy arms stretched over his head and finally landed on the alarm, silencing it. A small sniff and Logan was upright in the bed as well. “Jean. I thought you left.”

 

“Guess I never made it. We were both exhausted. You think it's early enough I can sneak back to my room?”

 

“Yeah. I set my alarm to get up to do some running today. You should be fine. Uh, before you go, you think we could talk later?”

 

“I’d like that. First though, I’m going to go pass out in my own bed,” she stalled by the door, “By the way, I just thought you should know you snore at night.”

 

Logan laughed and threw a pillow at her. She lifted her arms up in defense, laughing as well. “Really loudly too. No wonder this room is soundproof. Night Logan, I hope you slept well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a short one. I was debating on keeping their talk together with this chapter, but I honestly just wanted to write some fluff and fun today. I’ve been having a couple of anxiety ridden weeks this month, so I just needed something to cheer me up. Plus, it’s always good to have a bit of fluff to separate all the emotional drama, right?
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading and I hope you’re enjoying the story. Any feedback is always welcomed and appreciated. If you’d like, I am accepting prompts for oneshots within this story’s universe. If you’d like to request something, please leave it in a comment below!
> 
> P.S. There is some foreshadowing in this chapter that I snuck in and I can’t wait to see guesses and reactions for when it’s revealed what the foreshadowing was!


	13. Chapter 13

Whatever amount of sleep she thought she could get before the others were up for the day was a fleeting dream. She had laid in her bed, eyes closed, until she heard the telltale sign of feet running amok from the others. The dream she had still plagued her mind. Who was that woman? Why had she been reaching out to Jean? Why did she look so familiar?

For the first time since she first arrived, her only answer was searing mental pain. Those answers must be locked wherever her memories were. It breathed new life into her curiosity, but with her training, she suppressed it. If it was in the same place as her memories, she was better off with unanswered questions. To distract her uneasy mind, she poured herself into getting ready for the day.

While she put the finishing touches on her makeup, there was a knock at her door and a familiar presence. With a simple nudge from her thoughts, the door opened as she turned away from her vanity. “Hello Logan. Did you enjoy your run?”

“I ain't here to exchange pleasantries Red. We got trouble. Everyone's meeting up by the jet, no time for a full brief.”

“Got it. I'll meet you there.” She was surprised his mind hadn't alerted her to his distress sooner, but she knew she brought him comfort. Perhaps it was becoming strong enough that he could remain calm in the face of danger. Her piqued interest would have to wait as she grabbed a ponytail, putting her hair into a bun in the elevator as she made way to the subbasement.

She was the last one there, but it seemed she would be one of the first ones ready as she had put on her suit before arriving at the jet. She already had a feeling it would come to a mission if Logan said there was no time for a briefing. He was ready too, shifting where he was standing to take a couple of steps up the ramp so everyone could see him. Ororo was missing from the group, but Jean assumed she was suiting up as well.

“I got good news and bad news," Logan began, "and the bad news is worse so here's the good news. Jean is field approved. Good news over. Bad news begins. It seems Rogue wasn't the only mutant that the cure was temporary for. While the Brotherhood has been active without Magneto, they haven't been as violent or well organized. That time is over. He and Mystique are back at it again, and this time, it's not looking good.

“Thanks to Hank, we've maintained a good line of communication to our president. Seems he and Blue were close as they talked everyday without fail. That stopped a week ago. One of the aides found the communicator and sent a distress signal to him. Looks like the Brotherhood has managed to infiltrate the White House and our favorite shapeshifter has been playing make believe about being the president.

“To make matters worse, they've got a telepath on their side who has been working nonstop to get into the president's mind. Only reason we managed to catch word was the aide we were talking with was some sort of telepath too, did mind shields. President knew that, which is why they were constantly at his side. We lost contact with the aide too, just today. We've gotta stop them before they get into the president's mind. We ain't sure what exactly they're after, nuclear codes, access to top secret info, it could be anything.

“It's all hands on deck today. Ororo is staying behind, but everyone else is coming with. Even Chuck. If anyone can stop that telepath, it's gonna be him. Piotr, you'll be protecting him as he's staying on the jet. The rest of us are getting into the White House and we're gonna show the Brotherhood that we can still kick their ass. Now suit up, shut up, and shake a leg!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There has been a delay in the story as I've hit a block. I know what I want from the story, but I never planned out exactly what I wanted to serve as the climax. I know I wanted it to revolve around a situation including the Brotherhood, but I'm not entirely sold on the idea of Magneto and/or Mystique returning. I'm also not sold on involving the President. However, I feel as if it would be a major enough event to trigger a near breakdown in Jean, which is what the real climax serves to be. After all, this story arc is about her character arc. 
> 
> Please, please, please leave some feedback on whether I should continue down this route or go back to the drawing board! I love you all!


	14. Chapter 14

There was an uneasy quiet settling over the X-Men as they sat in the jet. The quiet even pervaded their minds as Jean found her mind rather empty than filled with the surface thoughts of the others, as it often was. She would normally drown out the white noise with the training she had done, but even now, when she wasn’t actively trying to quiet her mind, it was nearly empty. She was with Logan in the cockpit, sitting co-pilot, even though she wasn’t doing much. With Hank here, she was surprised she was even up here until she heard the small squeak of his leather glove signaling his fist clenching. His nerves must be everywhere, and she couldn’t blame him. This was her first mission out on the field, with real consequences, and it was larger in scale than any of their missions in past years. She would know, she studied the reports to get an understanding of what she could face. Plus, on the occasion she went back far enough, some were written by Scott, and it made her feel closer to the man she never really knew, even if just a little bit.

 

Charles coming with them more than likely had everyone on edge. She knew it was the main reason for her own uneasiness. This was a serious matter if he was coming along. He was a pacifist, his powers were never used offensively as far as she was aware. His need here meant this was much grander in scale than what the team alone could handle,  _ what she could handle _ . After all, she was the team’s telepath. If she wasn’t elected to fight the Brotherhood’s telepath, than it must be out of her league. That was a tough idea to wrap her head around.

 

“The aide’s name is Evelyn Hammond. I knew her from my time back in the cabinet of the former President. At the time, she was simply a party member and volunteer. She approached me about my position, and we discovered our common traits per se. We’ve kept in touch, even when I went to the UN, and I learned she volunteered for the current president’s campaign, which led to her appointment as a White House aide. She’s about my age, medium height, medium build, dark brown hair, glasses, and brown eyes. I’m displaying her picture now for you.” Hank had a tablet in his hands, and with a few taps on the screen, Evelyn appeared on the screen above where everyone was sitting. Jean and Logan would have to take a quick look later.

 

Hopefully everyone would memorize her appearance, as she was their ticket to protecting the mind of the president. All of this felt wrong, but Jean couldn’t place her finger on why. She accounted it to the overwhelming anxiety she harbored currently. This was her first field mission, Charles was here, the Brotherhood was back in full swing and targeting the president. It was something that would overwhelm any rookie, or so she told herself. It wasn’t anything to be upset with herself over for feeling these emotions.

 

She felt some warmth through her right glove and glanced down to see Logan’s hand resting atop her own. Whether it was for her own comfort or his, she didn’t care. All that mattered was that it did indeed bring her comfort. She needed it, but his hand withdrew once he had to land, which meant Charles was already at work, getting everyone they needn’t be involved to be paused. She hoped it would freeze some of the Brotherhood as well, but she wasn’t entirely sure how it worked as they hadn’t gone over it yet.

 

No matter what, everyone but Piotr and Charles left the jet, lead by Hank due to his previous knowledge of the layout of the White House. Entering in was fine, everyone seemed to be frozen. As they arrived closer and closer to the oval office, the unsettling feeling Jean had only grew. They had not come across a single Brotherhood member yet. They knew Mystique had been pretending to be the president, but surely they would have more than just her around. As they gathered around on opposite sides of the door to the oval office itself, Logan knocked it down.

 

She heard him grunt before the crash when he connected to a wall, and the dismal sarcasm an older gentlemen spat out, “Do you ever learn? Where are your cohorts now?”

 

“Just outside.” A female voice responded to him, but just as she spoke, they started to pour in. Jean didn’t know what to expect, but she doubted it was the sight before her. Logan was being held against a wall from Magneto’s powers, she could see his hand outstretched just slightly in Logan’s direction. There was Evelyn, wearing some sort of device on her head. Perhaps they brought an inhibitor to prevent her from using her shields to protect the President. There was a man who looked like the president at the desk, a look of shock and fear as he trembled. Mystique was known to be a great actor. There was also a man sitting on one of the chairs in the office, calm, collected. Likely he was the telepath to get into the president’s mind. Now where was the  _ real  _ president?

 

“Evelyn,” Hank called out, taking a step towards the woman before stopping as Magneto hovered a gun aimed at him, “have they done anything to you? Are you hurt?”

 

“No, Henry, I’m quite fine. I knew you were coming, but it saddens me you got here so quickly. I expected a man of your age to be just a little bit slower,” Evelyn smiled at Hank before sitting down and fixing her gaze upon the person who looked like the president, “No matter. I want you to be here for this. Mr. President here was just about to sign something. Would care to share with the class?”

 

“Ms. Hammond, I don’t care what you do to me. You’re never going to get away with this. Especially now that Hank and his friends are here. I know they’ll save me and stop you.”

 

“Evelyn,” the entire X-Men team was confused now, “what’s the meaning of this?”

 

“Well, since he won’t tell you, I will. The president here was about to sign all of our death warrants. He’s about to sign a deal to create and deploy machines to hunt all of us mutants. He thinks we’re a national security threat. After all this time too, really, did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Evelyn scoffed at the president, rolling her eyes before smirking at him. The man hissed as he clutched his head, which Jean immediately dove in mentally to shield him from. 

 

“She’s a telepath Hank, doesn’t just make shields.” Jean managed to grunt out before returning back to concentrating on shielding the president. Whomever she was, this was the strongest telepathic attack she had ever faced.

 

“You all live at a school, don’t you?” Mystique decided to make a full appearance as the calm man disappeared into her true form.

 

“Evelyn? The Brotherhood? After all I’ve told you? We could have settled this ourselves.” Hank was pleading now, desperately.

 

“No, Henry. I had to act quickly, and you would have wanted to do this legally. He isn’t. This isn’t even legislation. I barely managed to discover it. The only reason I knew to reach out to these people was because of you. I knew they could get me something like this. Normally, I can only do shields, but with this helmet, my telepathy is stronger now. Before, I could only control the mind to block out other telepaths. Now? Now I can control the mind, plain and simple. He can’t sign this, and he can’t remember it. In fact, I’d prefer if he died.” Evelyn shook her head at Hank, and there was some sort of emotion in her voice. Was she crying?

 

“Jean,” Magneto questioned as his piercing eyes narrowed at Jean, “It really is you. Quite a lot younger. Couldn’t quite stay down, could you? I’m surprised you’re protecting him. He voted for the registration act, and now these sentinels as they call them?”

 

She knew he was talking to her, but Jean couldn’t afford to have her attention split. Luckily, Hank wasn’t done pleading with Evelyn. “Evelyn. You can’t mean this. Surely you can’t mean this. This isn’t the woman I used to know.”

 

“No, I’m not the woman you used to know. I’m so much better,” Evelyn stood up, her gaze on Hank for now, “The Evelyn you knew was weak, quiet, and naive. She believed she could change the government from the inside. She trusted this man to keep her rights protected, and he does this? The moment I discovered those papers I ceased to be Evelyn, and I became Psyren.

 

“Henry, stop and just think about it. It could be like it used to. I can make his death painless, quick, and look like an accident. Then I can destroy those papers, and no one will have to know. Then our rights and our lives won’t be endangered. We can be together again. I’ll quit government, move out to New York, just like we used to talk about it.”

 

Hank was hurt, and with the details Evelyn just let loose, Jean couldn’t blame him. He was watching someone he used to care for, if he didn’t still care for, turn into a villain before her eyes. Maybe it wasn’t as dangerous as when she became that monster, but from Logan’s memories, she knew what kind of emotional heartbreak that could cause. Jean then realized she was listening in on the conversation, that her concentration was able to ease up because Psyren wasn’t targeting just the president anymore. She was using her powers on Hank too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give a major shout out and thank you to Highflyer and Aaron_The_8th_Demon for both their continued support and encouragement. After hitting a snag with fleshing out this climax, they managed to do a one-two combo on both getting me to post what I had, and affirming that what I had was perfectly fine. Because of that, I was inspired to fully flesh out what I want for the ending of our story, to the point that I now know that we only have about four chapters left so: THANK YOU SO MUCH!
> 
> As always, any feedback is welcomed, encouraged, and loved. I hope that I can continue to be inspired, but please know your feedback feeds into the monster I love to call inspiration.
> 
> P.S. I was also able to flesh out the majority of what I want in the sequel to this fic, along with a potential spin off/sequel from that one too! :P


	15. Chapter 15

Jean worriedly fixed her gaze upon Hank. She doubted she would be able to protect both him and the president. His eyes glazed over, his mouth agape as if to say something. Then, a shake of his head and the color returning to his eyes. Perhaps Charles was able to tell something was off with Hank. She wasn’t entirely sure of her mentor’s limits, but she knew that he was far more powerful than he let on, than anyone let on. As much as she wanted to believe she was their secret weapon with her supposed limitless potential, her imagination was too small. She was confined to her own limits in her mind, and her mentor had years of experience to expand upon it. He was the true ace in the hole, not her.

 

Psyren must have been aware of this because Jean could feel the renewed barrage against the shield she was providing the president. The shift caused chaos to reign. She was vaguely aware of the movement around her, of the sounds of fighting. She could feel the gunshot that occurred more than hear it, her ears still ringing as grunts and groans of pain and effort began to fill the air. The ground below her feet shifted, a sheen of ice forming on the ground from Bobby. Her ears still rang from the gun firing so closely to her, but she could hear his voice clear as day.  _ “Jean,”  _ after all it was in her head,  _ “I need your help. It’s too much alone.”  _

 

_ “Bring me in then Charles, I trust you.”  _ Jean wondered if it was the first time she had said those words to him outright. Her distrust of his intentions has always been prevalent in her motivations to better herself on her own terms and not his. With the past in mind, it didn’t mean that he deserved her distrust. He was always doing what he believed to be right and for the best of all, especially for his own people. He just happened to be wrong. She could acknowledge that now, and she could trust him. He hadn’t forced those blocks in her head, and with the power he was displaying, she was sure he easily could have if he chose to.

 

Blinding white everywhere. That was her first sight as she was dragged into the mental landscape of his fight with Psyren. The president was in a corner, and Jean right in front of him as she had been since she noticed he needed someone to shield him. Charles was on his own two feet, something she had never seen before, but it was her largest reminder they were somewhere where Charles had more powers over the rules than the physical reality of their world. Psyren was floating in the air, a violet bubble surrounding her, possibly the shields she was able to create before the enhancer was placed upon her head. Now it sparked in that familiar violet around her head, arcs of electricity meeting the white ground, but Psyren’s gaze off into the distance, focusing on her objective of breaking Jean’s shield around the president.

 

Charles stepped towards her, and from each foot, a familiar sight sprung up. The rug in the entrance of the school pooled out to hardwood floors, pillars springing up where they belonged as the landscape morphed into the school. There was no surprise on Jean’s behalf. If she were to choose a familiar place to have a mental battle in, the school would be it too. She turned around to look the president in his eyes, kneeling to be on his level as he had begun to go into a fetal position.

 

“Listen to me, Mr. President,” Jean reached out and a fiery red orange bubble appeared around him, “This shield will protect you from her, but I need you to stick close to me. If that bubble flickers for even a second, run as far and as fast as you can. If I tell you to run, you run. I will protect you with everything I have, but I can’t have you putting yourself in harm’s way. Understood?”

 

He nodded, and Jean stepped back to admire her work. She had never done shields in this landscape. She had never fought in a mental landscape in general. She had never entered fully to explore, and she never had anyone enter her mind to explore. It was strange, but she knew the layout of the school. She would be able to navigate the hallways that could be like a labyrinth to the uninitiated. The shield surrounding the president was odd, not quite opaque nor as translucent as Psyren’s. She could see swirls of energy moving around in it like the flames of a fire. How fitting, she supposed.

 

If Charles was able to weasel his way into Psyren’s mind, then he must have already been trying to battle her, to enter in. It would explain why it took Hank as long as it did to snap out of Psyren’s mental grasp. Glancing over her shoulder, she could see the two engage in hand-to-hand combat, Psyren’s shield dissipating, although she equated it more so to their minds battling each other. Charles was still freezing the others that weren’t in the oval office, keeping tabs on making sure no one stumbled across them, he was distracted, and it showed. Where she expected him to fight like other members of the team, he looked more like a teenager in a fight after school. She expected that out of Psyren, likely never encountering a battle like this before. This must be why Charles called for her.

 

She stood up, glancing at the president, “If we move rooms, you follow, but for now, stay here in this corner.” Her gaze shifted to Psyren, her eyes narrowing as she strided over to the fight, both participants far too concentrated on just trying to win. Jean found her opening when Psyren’s back was to her. She hopped onto the woman, wrapping her legs around her midsection as her arm went underneath the woman’s jaw, trying to get her into a chokehold. She was shrugged off, but it left her open to Charles, who punched her in the stomach. The wind was knocked out of her and she stumbled to her feet.

 

Charles glanced at Jean with a smirk before his eyes glazed over. His attention returned back to her within a few moments as he frowned.  _ “They managed to set off an alarm, and more people are coming. I’m sorry Jean, but I have to leave. I’ll keep the president’s shield up, but I can’t fight her. I trust you Jean. You’ll win. You’re better than her.” _

 

With that, Charles faded out of the mental landscape before her, taking the school with him. With a quick look over the shoulder, she could see the president had as well. Psyren stood up, her head turning from between where Charles had been to where the president had been before she let out a curse. She ran to where the president had been, her hands on the ground, patting around as if she would find a trap door to reveal him to her. “No, no, no! Where is he?! He can’t sign it!”

 

Her anger caused the enhancer around the crown of her head to spark more and the electricity to arc more violently. Psyren’s eyes glared at Jean, their normal brown hue taken over by the violet of her powers. She had no idea how the enhancer worked, but it looked like it was taking over the woman’s mind. Psyren threw her arm out in front of her, the violet electricity flying at Jean. She only just managed to bring up an arm, blocking the lightning.

 

The lightning didn’t let up as Psyren threw her other arm into it, walking closer and closer to Jean. Jean threw her other arm up, but had to fall to her knees as she strained to encompass herself in the shield she had over the president previously. She could hear Charles call out to her again, sensing the danger she was facing,  _ “Let go Jean. Let go. Unleash your power. You’re stronger than you know.” _

 

Jean cried out as the strain of the shield was becoming too much. She was holding on because she didn’t want to push herself again. She didn’t want the team to deal with her being unconscious as they tried to make it out of the White House without incident. However, they wouldn’t be able to make it out at all if they couldn’t take down Psyren. Charles was doing what he could to buy them all time and make sure they got out. Jean only had to defeat Psyren while the rest of the team battled Magneto and Mystique. She couldn’t let them down. She couldn’t leave them to be taken in by the government. She just couldn’t.

 

The shield fell and Jean was caught by the lightning. It caused her to fly back, spinning before she skidded onto the ground. She groaned and wanted to lay there, she wanted to give up. She knew she couldn’t though, she couldn’t afford to. She got up onto her forearms and knees as she heard Psyren’s steps approach her. A heeled foot connected to her stomach, sending Jean back to the ground onto her back, her eyes catching Psyren’s. 

 

“Poor little girl. The other telepath abandoned you here because he couldn’t handle it anymore. Don’t worry, if you’re lucky, I’ll leave you alive and use you to bargain with for the president. I’m feeling generous right now, so just stay down and let me do what I need to do.” Psyren lifted her arms to the air, content to reach out and try to get at Charles.

 

“Never,” Jean grunted out as she finally got herself to stand up, “I’ll never give into people like you. I said I would take down the monster I became no matter the cost to me. You are no different.” She could feel the flames begin to lick her body. The fire in her veins was spreading out to every fiber of her being. She was stronger than Psyren, Charles was right, and she was sick of holding herself back. She reached out and grabbed Psyren by the throat, lifting her into the air with ease as the woman struggled against her. Electricity arced out everywhere, lightning was sent her way. She felt no pain though, only pleasure as she watched the violet drain out of the other’s eyes into the brown it was supposed to be.

 

Soon, the blinding white of the nothingness they had been surrounded in faded away. Jean was back in the oval office, her arm stretched out in the same position it had been in while she choked Psyren. Psyren was still in the air, struggling against Jean, scrambling to clutch at anything that could affect Jean and get her to drop her. It wasn’t happening. Fire burned behind Jean’s eyes and everything was dripped in red. She watched Psyren go limp, knew she was unconscious, but she didn’t let go. She didn’t want to let go. She wanted Psyren to die for even daring to cause this mess.

 

“Jean! Jean, you gotta stop. Listen to me Jean,” Logan was calling out to her, but she didn’t hear it, “Jean, please, let go.”

 

She did nothing of the sort until he walked up to her, rested his gloved hands on each of her cheeks and gazed deeply into her eyes. “It’s okay Jean, just let go. Don’t become her. Don’t become the monster.”

 

Awareness washed over her, quickly followed by shame as she let her arms go limp. The president was hiding underneath his desk, waiting for the fighting to stop. Mystique had her hands full with Kitty, Rogue, and Hank. Meanwhile, Logan and Bobby were trying to handle Magneto. Jean walked slowly over to Psyren, wrenching the enhancer off of her head. She held it in her hands before it exploded, no one needed to have this power again. Then she felt the mental presence of a number of people who were getting free from their paralysis.

 

“We’re gonna have company.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I took some inspiration from Charles, and Jean’s, fight with Apocalypse to visualize this. I knew that I wanted Jean to get really close to killing someone before snapping out of it (with or without Logan’s help) from the beginning. We’re probably anywhere from one to three chapters top from the end of this fic, and I never thought I’d get here. Thank you all for your constant feedback, I welcome and appreciate it all. Once we finish this up, I may take a small break to complete a request from Highflyer before I begin work on the sequel. I also want to get a few chapters deep before I start posting the other sequel to get an idea for how many chapters it’s going to be. If you guys want, I may reveal the basic plot for the sequel in the author’s notes at the last chapter of this fic.


	16. Chapter 16

They were frankly easily outnumbered by the amount of security that were starting to make it out of the paralysis Charles had them under. In addition, Magneto and Mystique were still fighting with the rest of her team. Jean couldn’t see a real way out without some sort of catastrophe. Their ace in the hole was running out of time, and they weren’t going to be able to make it out of there without some sort of retaliation. They couldn’t just leave the Brotherhood behind either, it would make everything worse, and they couldn’t get a handle on them. She didn’t know what to do, and reaching out to Charles would just split his attention further, letting more people out from his paralysis.

 

Logan had returned to fighting, and Jean was just surprised at how everyone had managed to stay in the oval office only. With only Mystique and Magneto being here, she assumed that Psyren had crossed them, not letting them be aware that the X-Men would be coming. Whatever plan Psyren had, it was falling apart and the women wasn’t even conscious. She wasn’t conscious because of Jean however, because Jean had let go and tapped into a part of herself that she didn’t want to deal with. The monster within her. The one that still existed, yet lay dormant enough that Jean could operate autonomously on a day to day basis.

 

She had tapped into it a little during her graduation test, and a bit more during her field approval test. Both times had left her exhausted, and while she had felt some of the intoxicating power, she couldn’t believe she had almost killed Psyren. That wasn’t the X-Men way. But perhaps, it was Jean’s way. After all, the woman was going to kill and would likely attempt this all again if left unchecked.

 

No, Jean shook her head trying to climb out of the deep moral hole these thoughts would only drag her further into. She couldn’t fall into that kind of logic. That was the logic of the monster. That was what it wanted. It wanted her to hide so it could come out, right? She wasn’t sure and the only familiar sting of flames licked at her mind. More punishment for asking questions again.

 

She wasn’t going to stand idly by and watch everything the X-Men had worked so hard for crumble because of one person and their actions, whether it be Jean herself, or in this case, Evelyn. Charles needed help to pause everyone, and that’s what Jean was going to do. With a deep inhale, she centered herself. She was going to need to focus to reach out this far and exclude her own team. 

 

There it was, that small fire within the center of her being. It burned brightly as always, flames occasionally licking out from the center to travel further around. She visualized it expanding, bringing back that familiar sensation of burning. The pain just on the side of unbearable, but she had to bear it. She would bear the burden if it meant keeping this team safe, if it meant preserving the way of life they had worked their entire lives for. She would do it, but not for herself, for them.

 

The fire was contained within her body now, but that’s not where it would remain. No, she had to spread across the area. A blanket of fire to put everyone to sleep with. She was bumped into by Kitty who mumbled something before returning back to battle. There was chaos here, and soon it threatened to spread into every fabric of her life. She had to stop it. She had to bring some order. She couldn’t control everything in the world, but the one thing she could control was herself.

 

She pushed herself out of her own body, pushed her will onto the whole estate. Sleep and forget, sleep and forget, sleep and forget. That was all she wanted out of them, that was all they truly needed. She heard two thuds, one close to her, one just further away. A questioning cry before a grunt of pain.

 

When her eyes opened, she saw Mystique on the floor, asleep. Magneto was frozen to the ground. Evelyn was still unconscious, and she assumed the president had been the other thud. Logan’s eyes met her, and they brought comfort once more. They brought a smile as she stepped forward to reach for him. Then she fell as well, falling deeper and deeper into an unknown part of her own mind. Or was it? She didn’t know.

 

All at once, there was blinding white again. Then there was a figure. It was the one from the dream she had just last night. A woman with long red hair, a familiar woman. As she stepped closer, Jean finally knew why she recognized their face. It was Jean. Maybe not herself as she was now, but it was the Jean Logan had known, and killed. She looked different though. She wasn’t in the red outfit Logan remembered. Instead, she was dressed in white with a gold sash, boots, gloves, and a gold symbol on her chest. She recognized the bird so iconic in her life, a phoenix.

 

A gloved hand reached out to Jean, and she took it hesitantly. The woman righted her and smiled softly, tucking a loose strand of Jean’s hair behind her ear. There was a far off look of guilt in her eyes, and Jean could see it, knew what it looked like on her own features. The woman sighed, both hands moving to rest on Jean’s shoulders.

 

“I’m sorry we meet like this, but there’s so much to discuss young one. Come, you have much to see.” The woman offered Jean her arm, and she took it, holding loosely. The woman led her to a door that she didn’t remember seeing at all until now. It loosely rang some bells within her mind but she couldn’t place it. Instead, she watched as the other opened the door. The light emanating within blinded her, and her free arm came over her eyes to shield her from it.

 

When the light finally stopped, she couldn’t believe it. She let the other tug her inside, the door closing behind her and disappearing. They were on the beach again, but that wasn’t what surprised her so much. What surprised her was the other person on the beach beyond them. A person she had never met, never known, and yet felt so much for; Scott.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I’ve been really inspired obviously and think I’ll actually be finishing this story tonight. However, I did want to leave a cliffhanger here and wait for a bit before uploading the last chapter(s). I do think it’ll either be two chapters of the length I’ve been writing lately, or one really long chapter.
> 
> One thing I want to say though is holy moly! We’re actually almost done and I never really thought I’d ever finish this beast! I’m so excited! Also hello Scott!!! I can’t wait for your reactions to this chapter, and to the ending chapters. I mean what is happening? What’s going to happen? I know that I know, but I’m so excited to see what you’re thinking!
> 
> As always, feedback is welcomed and appreciated. I really do enjoy it, and it’s what has kept me so heavily inspired this weekend.
> 
> Love you all! <3


	17. Chapter 17

Jean fell right then and there onto the soft sands of the beach. How could this be? How was any of this existing? Where was she? Was she in the afterlife? Had she died to make sure her friends would make it out? She didn’t understand it, she didn’t understand any of it. It burned again, like every stupid question she had about her past did. She couldn’t hold in the pain any longer either. She rolled over onto her forearms and knees, screaming and crying out at the agonizing pain within her head. It scorched away at every fabric of being she had and she couldn’t handle it anymore.

 

The other knelt beside her, rubbing soothing circles onto the small of Jean’s back. She even hummed a lullaby that Jean could just barely recognize. She knew the melody, but she didn’t know the words or its origin. It calmed her enough to leave her shaking, tears still falling from her eyes onto the sand. Then she heard him move, she heard Scott move to sit beside her, another hand on her back. A hand she had never known, but had caused so much harm to. It nearly burned her and she immediately scrambled away, moving to hide behind her other.

 

Then a chuckle came out from both of them. Why were they laughing at her? Why were they laughing at her pain? She didn’t ask for it, but she lived with it every day. It was her burden for what  _ they  _ had done. She never asked for any of this, but she lived with the responsibility, and they had the gall to laugh at her?

 

She finally stood up, and she made sure to stand up straight. She made herself to be as tall as she could in the sand, crossing her arms over her chest. Her chin was up at them, her eyes close to murder, “Why are you laughing?”

 

“Please, just calm down child.” Her other called out, patting a spot in the sand next to her. Jean narrowed her eyes, but obliged. If she was rude, she doubted she would get any of the answers she wanted. No, she  _ needed  _ these answers like never before. She may have learned to stop asking the questions, but now that she had someone who could possibly answer them, the lingering curiosity wouldn’t die.

 

“We can start with me, you, or him. Which would you prefer?” The other nodded between all of them, which meant that they were all linked in some way. They had to be if they were all here now anyways. Jean pursed her lips before nodding towards her other. If her other had the answers, it was best to start there.

 

“I know you saw how I died the last time. I know every little thing that you know right now, and that’s okay. When I died though, it didn’t go as planned. I thought I would die and that would be it. I would be free, there would be no more Phoenix, and I would have saved my friends any further pain with my death. As you can see, that wasn’t the case. That death was the beginning of a more fearsome battle than you could ever imagine.

“The part of me that became what you so affectionately call a monster still existed. It existed and so did I, like two souls meant for one body. Whoever won would be the one in charge. It was long, arduous, and without a rest. There was never a clear victor up until the end. There were, however, lulls of activity from either side. There were times where I was so utterly exhausted, I just couldn’t fight anymore until I had to.

 

“That’s how you came into being. What you call monster, I call Dark Phoenix. Dark Phoenix knew that if it inhabited the body I had died in, people would recognize it right away. So an idea sprung forth to reverse time on the body. If Dark Phoenix got far enough, it could wreak havoc and no one would know whom she was. Towards the end of completion of this goal, I had become despondent. I wanted to fight, but I felt so weak and exhausted. I knew part of Dark Phoenix just wanted to be free, and part of me could understand that. That empathy nearly got the best of me.

 

“Scott found me somehow though. He had been a spirit, a soul, wandering aimlessly after that monster had killed him. We’ve always had a link, and he managed to find me. He helped me through so many of those battles. We had it on the ropes, and I thought we won, until I found out that it had been messing with Logan. Logan had a period of time where he left the mansion, and I found out that he was having nightmares. He was traumatized after all, which is normal. Not all of the nightmares were of his own mind’s creation. The last remnants of the Dark Phoenix were lurking within his mind, feeding on his trauma and his memory of me.

 

“Then he was close to death, and you know how he always reaches for us. I stumbled upon him and her. He was always asking her to stay, and this time she asked him, and he said no. He reminded me that she had been hurting people, and that’s why she was there, all alone. Of course, he had no idea of what was really happening, but it reminded us of what would happen should we fail, should we give up.

 

“So we didn’t give up. We prepared for one more battle. The last battle, and somehow, we won. We won and I tore Dark Phoenix to pieces and kept it here, buried it here on this beach. I have to keep a watch over it though, as the White Phoenix, so I can’t leave. Scott has nowhere to go, so he stays with me. It’s the retirement I always wanted, but I didn’t want it this way. I still had so much to atone for too, so I gave you life, for you to go and right my wrongs. I’m sorry to give you such a burden, but I can’t do it from here. I also made you to thank the person who gave us the strength for that battle, and who made it possible.

 

“I want you to know, as much as you are me, you are your own Jean. We are similar in so many ways, yet different. I’ve been trying to get you in here from the beginning, but you had to come of your own accord. Here you are though, and I’m so glad. I couldn’t give you my memories at the time, I wasn’t powerful enough yet. I hadn’t explored what I can really do at the time, but should you choose, I can give them to you now.”

 

The other finally finished and peered at Jean expectantly. Jean was still drinking it all in. It was a lot to process, but the burning finally stopped. She had the answers she wanted, more than that, truthfully. She had the chance to retrieve her memories, but then again, they weren’t really hers. She shook her head before turning to gaze at the water lapping at the sand’s edge.

 

“I can relay the message, but no, I don’t want the memories. This was good enough. I know the truth now, and that’s all I really wanted. Sorry it took me so long. I still have some questions, but there’s one thing I have to say first. You may not have loved him, but I do. I just don’t want to face the same path as you. You were right, he was traumatized. I won’t put him through that again.”

 

“Jean,” Scott finally was going to say something and had Jean’s full attention, “You can stop feeling guilty about me. My Jean let me know what you were up to. It’s okay. We’re together again, and I’m fine being here. I’m with my other half making sure that no one will have to go through this ever again. You can let go. You can stop holding back, whether it’s for me, her, or even him. Do things for yourself. Live your own life, and when you love someone, love them with all your heart. Please, promise me this.”

 

“I promise.” Jean wiped at her eyes, mumbling about the sand, but she knew it was because of his words. They were a blessing. They were giving her permission to be herself, or more accurately to be her own self. She wasn’t the same Jean he knew, but she was sure they all knew she was still Jean, deep down inside.

 

“Before you go,” the White Phoenix stood up, taking ahold of both Jean’s hands, “please know that you can use your powers as much as you want. I will always make sure that Dark Phoenix never sees the light of day. Those flames were only me, trying to call you in here. That lust though, the drive I saw, that was you. Be careful and mindful above all things. Do not become Dark Phoenix on your own accord. You will be able to call me if you need to, and come back here should you wish, but you will have to push as hard as you are now. It’s the only way, unfortunately. If something comes up though, I will now be able to come to you. It’s time to go. It’s okay, just close your eyes and breathe deeply with me. That’s it, good.”

 

Just like that, the beach was gone, the blinding light was gone. All she could see was the darkness her eyelids provided from being shut, and the ticklish sensation of something touching her ribs. She let out a giggle, her hand instinctively grabbing at the cause only to be met with another hand she knew. She opened her eyelids enough to get a glimpse of Logan. “Oh, that tickles.”

 

His eyes had been wide with worry until they melted under her gaze, concern leaving to make way for joy as he smirked. “Hey.”

 

“Hey.” 

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Fantastic.” Jean ached all over, but the answer wasn’t inaccurate. She knew the truth now, and she was finally ready to let him into her heart. Her heart yearned for him alone. While she wanted to pull him down into her embrace, her limbs were too tired to.

 

“That was a brave thing you did.”

 

“Did it work?”

 

“Yeah. We got everyone out, Hank wiped the footage, and we grabbed all three of them. Chuck made sure everyone was going to forget about it all. We managed to turn all three of them over to an old friend of Charles. They won’t be coming back to haunt us for a while.”

 

“Good. I have so much to tell you, but it would be easier to show you. You mind?” 

 

“Not a problem. Need me to get closer?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Logan winced as the chair creaked while he scooted it over to be beside her head. She could use her powers from here without the use of her hands, but she had something special in mind for him. She crooked a finger to motion for him to come closer. He leaned over, his head close to hers. As much as she hated memory dumping on others, she wanted the element of surprise. With a quick lift of her head, she pecked him on the lips, using the physical contact to relay everything that had happened in what she was calling the white hot room.

 

Logan sat back, closing his eyes and shaking his head for a moment as he sorted through it all. Then it hit him and he looked at Jean with a tilt of his head. “Jeannie?”

 

“Jean isn’t here right now. Please leave a message after the beep.  _ Beep _ .”

 

“Jean, it’s Logan. I want you to know, I love you. I always have and I always will. I forgive you, both of you. Please, just tell me if I’m supposed to wait for you still.”

 

“You don’t have to wait. I love you too.” If Jean wanted to say more, she had no chance as Logan’s lips descended upon hers. His kiss was a surprising mixture of gentle yet ravenous. She knew he had been waiting for her to finally admit her feelings, and he was willing to take it slow for her. She didn’t want slow. She just wanted whatever pace they created together. She smiled as their lips parted.

 

Words were no longer broken pieces and fragments of images no longer rushed before her eyes when she closed them. She knew the truth now. She knew the past and what her previous self had left unresolved. It was unresolved no longer. It burned deep in her heart, her love for Logan, like a brand upon her soul. He had one too, a large bird of fire, and she knew the name for such a creature: phoenix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, the end! I couldn't wait any longer to upload it. I ended up not going with the heavy handed bit of foreshadowing for the sequel, but I think it’s for the best while you all await for the beginning chapters. Either way, there is still remnants of foreshadowing included. If someone ends up piecing it together, they will get a million brownie points!
> 
> I wanted to take a moment and let you know that I have truly appreciated your feedback, patience, and continued support throughout this story. I never thought I would finish it, considering I started out with just the first chapter as a drabble in like 2013. I’m looking forward to writing the next installment!
> 
> Before the sequel begins to post, I do owe highflyer their request, which will come out first. So, everyone keep your eyes out! The story will be tilted Her Brand and I have begun to write it but I’m notoriously slow with writing that particular type of subject matter simply because I do actually have someone read over it to help me with it. It’s also going to take a little longer because I like to have plot with my porn :P
> 
> In addition, I've begun to write the sequel to this story. It most definitely won't be posted for some time as I would like to write a few chapters before I post the first. I do know my outline and such, and so I'm hoping I won't get stuck at the end like I did with this one. Keep an eye out for the sequel: Promnesia.


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